Round the table again for #9

As an adoptive mom I search out means of understanding as much as I can about adoption and how it pertains to my family. Years ago when we first started our journey I searched out blogs mostly. Forums are okay, but I found blogs much more personal, and a heckuva lot easier to read.

I found Heather back then and lurked for quite a while and I was, and am, seriously intrigued by open adoption. I’ve always felt that open adoption should be considered.

A while back Heather had a brilliant idea of creating a common area where people can go to read about common questions, misconceptions, ideas about open adoption on her blog using the posts from a multitude of people on all side of the adoption circle. She called it “Open Adoption Roundtable”. We are not in an open adoption, so I hadn’t thought about contributing until Roundtable #8. The topic sparked a need to contribute.

So has this one, Roundtable #9, but not in the way most would think. I’m sure this stems from her being sick and tired of people saying such dumb things about her open adoption, spouting the common misconceptions about them. She asked if we agreed or disagreed with the statements made:

“We have medical histories and can share the information we have about their birth parents with our children now. If they feel a need to initiate contact with their birth families when they are adults, we will fully support them.”

“The decision to have a relationship with her bio family should be hers when she is ready. Creating a relationship between them before she wants it might cause issues in the future.”

“Children deserve to have just one family during childhood and not to deal with anything adoption-related until they are more mature. A fully open adoption robs a child of a normal childhood.”

I am going to admit things on here that I’m sure not many would agree with, but I don’t care. My blog, my rules.

I agree with the statements.

Don’t get all up in my grill, and I really, really love that I finally got to say that, and I must admit it sounds as dumb aloud as it does seeing it written down. I feel the need to explain why such backward thinking is something I agree with.

I do have to say that the wording of the statements make it easy for us in the adoption world to just pounce all over them. “Children deserve one family”, “open adoption robs …”, just the terms alone make one want to jump in defense of the big ol’ open-adoption band wagon and defy those that would dare to think that way. I’ve never really been a band-wagon jumper.

The first paragraph says nothing about open adoption out right, but has a sly, underneath feeling that open adoption isn’t in the best interests at the moment. To me it doesn’t say anything negative about open adoption in general, just open adoption for that person. I have to agree with the first paragraph because that is exactly where I’m at. Elijah’s birth mom wanted no contact, so our adoption is closed, and when he is ready, as an adult, to make the decision to contact her, we will fully support her, and the law backs that up.

The next two statements aren’t difficult to interpret, but I see it so much differently than a person in the midst of an open adoption. The second one says that a “relationship with her bio family should be hers when she is ready”. Oh hell yeah it should be, but it’s not. A child of two years old cannot possibly make that decision, and shouldn’t be made to, so we do the best we can to decide for them. A child of thirteen has a better idea of whether an open adoption is reasonable for her. Lots of things in this world “should be”. I should be thinner, I should be more tolerant, my husband should get his ass in gear and finish hunting. Should, should, should. That’s the key word, ’should’.

I do not look down upon those that have decided against open adoption as it is more than just the best interest of the child at stake. I’m sure a lot of people will disagree, but the adoption itself isn’t solely a single individual’s life experience. There are a mass of people surrounding the child that are affected on a daily basis by his or her presence, so you cannot tell me that a serious decision like this should only consider the needs of the child and the child alone and ignore the persons that will surround him in his daily life for years to come.

The last statement is what inspired me to write in the first place. It is so profound to me that I’m going to copy it down here:

“Children deserve to have just one family during childhood and not to deal with anything adoption-related until they are more mature. A fully open adoption robs a child of a normal childhood.”

Oh boy that’s a loaded statement isn’t it? Of course children deserve to only have one family. Wouldn’t life be easier if a child’s birth family could easily take care of him? Wouldn’t he be better off if his first mom was able to take care of him? Of course! We would love for it to be all right to just let them be, not have to worry about adoption and what it means for them, and why it truly does single them out. We cannot kid ourselves that open adoption is the perfect means of raising an adopted child, it isn’t. But we do what we can don’t we?

“A fully open adoption robs a child of a normal childhood”. I know adoptive moms/dads everywhere are seething that I’m agreeing with this. My child, as an adopted child, will not have what is known as a ‘normal’ childhood where he was born of my womb. He won’t, it’s a fact, and he will always be adopted, that will never change. He truly was robbed of a normal life by being adopted. Being adopted in itself removes the chances of being like every other kid around him, it will separate him from the masses. Having a fully open adoption does change what normal is for him/her.

But, a closed adoption also robs a child of a normal childhood. Good God we can’t seriously believe that once a child is adopted, things will run smoothly, they will never have to fret about anything because they are in a ’such-and-such’ adoption and they will feel absolutely perfect for the rest of their lives because of it. Oh hell no, open or closed, it requires stepping out of any comfort zone, removing your blinders of your own perceptions and realizing that one size will never fit all.

Open adoption is not for everyone, just like closed adoption isn’t for everyone. Our next adoption is likely to be a child who has been removed from the home, am I likely to jump up and down and insist on open-adoption? No. But if there comes a time when open-adoption is for us, I’ll be the first one to jump right on that wagon and say giddy-up.

Sheesh, I’m sure Heather is never going to allow an open mic type scenario again. If I promise to trip on the way down off of my soapbox, maybe she’ll allow me to come back.