03.09.09
Newest Decisions
We have a decision to make, one that can be rather stressful in future if it isn’t processed thorougly. No, I’m not even being idiotic nor making fun of dh’s decision making disability, and no it’s not what flavour of ice cream to get at the grocery store.
I am in the process of filling out the application form for adoption. I say ‘in the process’ not because it is a long drawn out process, in fact it resembles an extremely detailed job application. But it’s slow because on the second page of the form it requires you to fill out check boxes depicting the special needs you would be willing to accept in a child coming into your home. These special needs run anywhere as general as visually impaired (needing glasses to being blind) to FAS to Cerebral Palsy to HIV+. This is where we are stuck.
It has been said to us before that we are a thoughtful family and very kind, generous, whatever, for doing what we did – i.e. the adopting of a child. I haven’t the foggiest why people feel this way but it is very common. As if it takes loads of generosity or something. Naw, not for me.
One of the blogs I read is called Full House, Full Hands, Full Hearts. This is a family that has adopted from all over, but one thing that has me in awe is they lovingly adopted children who are HIV+. I am in awe of people who can take on that kind of responsibility, become amazing and avid defenders of the disease, and continue their lives as if nothing has changed.
That is not me, I know it’s not me. I had a short moment after reading what it was like to live daily with a child who is HIV+ of wondering if we could handle such a task, but it was surely short lived. I learned a great deal from the mom at FH, I learned that the virus isn’t passed as easily as previously thought. I learned that living the reality of it is truly living, not on the way to dying.
But that’s still not me.
With this adoption, I can tell that dh is going to attempt to take it slower than we did before. When we filled out the previous application I nailed him for hours to settle out what degree of special needs we would accept in a child. Unfortunately I don’t have a copy of that or I would’ve just used the same check boxes as previous.
It’s truly a lot to think about, it really is. This isn’t just the child coming into the home that this affects, but the other children already here. Could you imagine being a child in at home, going through the awesome journey to adopt with your parents, and having a wonderful little boy or girl placed in the home that requires a majority portion of the family’s time, leaving very little for you? It’s not fair to the kids already here, but it isn’t fair to the new kid either, it causes resentment and anger, and a little too much turmoil in their already unstable little lives.
To think, that isn’t the only decision we have to make. We have to also decide the degree of openness we will accept. An open adoption is usually encouraged here, and it has very little to do with the family dynamics, but the well-being of the child being placed. The services, thankfully, don’t give a rats ass about the new family, nor the first family, but the child and child alone. With that being said, they do not force open adoption upon anyone.
I believe in open adoption and really, really wish that Sweet Pea’s first mom had allowed it. I was truly saddened to hear that she wanted no part of his life. I mourned her almost as much as Sweet Pea really, and still do. Sometimes I wonder if she wished she hadn’t chosen that. I know she must wonder about him. At his one year birthday I sent a letter and picture off to his original social worker in another city (she was lovely and another social worker went after work everyday to the hospital to hold him, isn’t that sweet?!) and in the letter I offered again and questioned about his first mom, whether if she has contacted them. She hadn’t, and it made me so sad.
I want an open adoption but on the form it asks a little bit about to what extent you would accept: sibling, birth mother, birth father, Grandparents. I’m of course into all, but I don’t think dh is. I think he’s secretly hoping for everything to be super easy for him, for him to not have to change one bit about his life. Part of accepting another child is accepting change, but he’s not good with that. I remember with the first adoption he felt he couldn’t help a child in need of sibling contact because of the idea of driving any kind of distance a few times a year to see yet another family weighed heavily on his mind. He wasn’t sure how he could possibly fit it in. But the problem is that he takes the idea of ‘contact’ and expands it into the biggest possible contact possible. ‘Contact’ can mean letters and pictures once a year. I know it wouldn’t be easy, but children aren’t supposed to be neat and tidy. They are supposed to chew on your side tables, they are supposed to smear slobber on your front window while they watch the cars go by, they are supposed to splash water on the ceiling on their bi-yearly bath (*snort*), they are supposed to paint mud pictures on your siding. It’s part of being a parent is accepting the messy with the neat, and that includes adoption.
After all, adoption is just an ‘option’ to ‘Ad’ to our family 
.
Katie said,
March 9, 2009 at 10:57 am
I hated doing those forms. I felt like I was picking options on a car, which sucks. But, you are right, you shouldn’t bite off more than your entire family can chew. I have a friend who just adopted two special needs preschoolers. She is now talking about putting her older, biological daughter into therapy because it has been more than she can cope with.
As far as openness is concerned, I think my recommendation would be along the same vein–lean towards your husbands comfort level. You always have the option to be more open in the future (our adoption started out semi-open and is now completely open), but you can never go backwards. If I were adopting a child who had to be removed from the home, I would be cautious about how much I put out there in the very beginning. I would want to be able to know the specifics of the situation before I said yes or no to anything.
Donna said,
March 11, 2009 at 2:36 pm
I think you are so brave. I want another child and adoption would be the way to go but I just don’t know anything about it and it make me scared to think about.Dh of course has lots of problems with it when I even bring it up. One thing we can’t agree to talk about.
thanksgivingmom said,
March 14, 2009 at 5:07 pm
Hi, I came across your blog pretty randomly, but I was really interested in your perpective on all this. I’m currently in an open adoption with my daughter and her Mom (I’m her first Mom that placed her). I think as you think about what level of openess would work best for you and your family you should read some blogs of families currently in open adoptions – which you may already be doing, I just don’t know
. (There’s a whole blogroll full of them at openadoptionsupport.com)
Currently, I see my daughter twice a year and her Mom and I email once in a while. I’m in no way “Mom” on our visits, which is clear (and I would never try to be). I think that’s the biggest myth – the co-parenting one…
As you said, it’s not easy, but I think that knowing that is half the battle. It sounds like you’re a GREAT Mom already and I wish you the best of luck in your next adoption journey!!
shmode said,
March 14, 2009 at 5:34 pm
Thank you for your comment. I’ve been up to my ears in adoption blogs and information sites and it’s definitely what helped me make my decision easier. Dh on the other hand is slightly skeptical. I had only wished I had the opportunity for it in our first one, but his first mom must have found that idea much too hard.
thanksgivingmom said,
March 14, 2009 at 8:51 pm
Haha, I know the feeling! I can spend DAYS reading adoption blogs!!!
When I placed my daughter, I had every intention of vanishing and letting her “live her life” (ah, the stereotypes that even birthmoms buy into!) It wasn’t until her Mom wrote to me of the benefits of open adoption that I even considered it.
And it IS a hard idea….I completely understand why some are afraid of it. Like you said, parenting (in ANY of our forms!) isn’t easy.