It seems like it was weeks ago already, but it is still fresh in my psyche from reliving it over-and-over again.  I’m even dreaming parts of it.

He’s back to his ol’ self.  Sweet Pea has no residual effects from his seizure on Thursday, in fact, I am much more scarred than he ever will be.  I keep rolling the events over in my mind preceding the seizure wondering if I egged him on more than usual in order to cause this.  I’m sure this is a normal mom thing.

Guilt.  Ah, guilt.  I’ve written of it before, but in a much more lighter tone.  I know I’ve written about feeling guilty for not getting my school work done, when I was still in university that is, but that is not even a true guilt for me as it washes away with the next rinse of my shampoo.  But this guilt lingers, as if it has claws or tentacles that grasp onto my very soul.

Dramatic.

I went to my mom’s yesterday for our weekly coffee and had a little teary-eyed moment in the kitchen.  I hadn’t cried since the events itself, hell even since dh walked into the hospital room and I broke down a bit, but this was different.

It was lunch time again and I walked into the other room to get the high chair and that’s when the flashbacks started.  Of course it’s not like in the movies where everything dissolves while the events play back, but much worse.  The feelings themselves came back.  You don’t get that in the movie version of things.  I sat in the kitchen and wept while I experienced the helplessness I felt that day wash over me again.  What a sense of panic that gripped me, the absolute fear that I may lose my son, not just in the sense of death itself, but maybe his little personality may have been stripped from him.

My mom, knowing full well my reaction gripped me with one of her hugs.  You know the kind.  The same ones you had when you skinned a knee as a child, the same one where your pet caterpillar died, the same one where your first boyfriend broke your heart.  Yeah, that hug, and it warmed me again.

I am not whole.  In fact I’m not sure I will be, or ever want to be.  I know I was much too uptight about a lot of things.  Things like if he touched the remote I’d get pissed and yell, NO!  But wtf, who bloody well cares if he touches the remote, it’s not like it matters if he touches a button, it won’t hurt a thing.  I’ve been re-evaluating things like this wondering if it’s worth it or not.  He has never thrown a tantrum like that over a remote.  Usually it’s over food, or if we put him down when he didn’t want to be, but I don’t want it to become a common occurrence, nor do I want us to be pandering to him to keep them from coming.

Dh is a very logical being.  He is a researching kind of guy where if something new comes a long, he sits down and looks into it.  The internet can be friend or foe, but it served me well knowing that it is a common occurrence among children who hold their breath and that there won’t be repercussions from it.  He sat for a good 45 minutes, snuggling the little man, and researching things, if only to make me feel better.

Today we are off to church.  I know I will be thanking God at every moment not only for the saving Grace he gave Sweet Pea, but for the experience of it all, the experience that taught me to relish every moment we are here as it will not last.

It cannot, for there is something better to look forward to.