Regrets

I was never a regretting kinda gal.  I truly was not, I’ve had mini-moments where I thought I shouldn’t have done such-and-such because of its results in my life, but they are usually very short lived and fleeting.  It becomes a passing thought, a whimsy as it were, and is almost immediately removed from thought as fast as it came in.

But lately, regret is a common thought in my mind and often even on my tongue.  It covers a myriad of things, not just the typical “I wish I was a cheerleader in high school” kind of meaningless drivel, but serious regret that would have large repercussions if it were to ever be realised.

Unfortunately, today in my endless frustrations, I voiced one of my regrets aloud and my middle gal, Punk, heard me loud and clear.  She called me on it immediately, and of course I just shrugged it off at the time as it was still the heat of the moment.

By now it is much too late to correct the situation by any means.  Not only is there the remote possibility that she has forgotten those very words by now, and me saying something would remind her, but what can I say to her that isn’t the honest truth? I cannot possibly lie to her.  I regret the words spoken aloud, but not the thoughts themselves.  What a sad realization that I have allowed regret to pervade my mind, and become a solid being in there making itself at home.  It’s never before been allowed a permanent home, but I have allowed it to fester for so long that I’m beginning to almost adhere to the thoughts.

I won’t put into writing the regrets, as they are not only numerous, but not truly worthy of putting into words.  I can’t let it get an even larger hold upon me than it already has.

Dh ‘asked’ if it was ok he go hunting today.  He did ask truly in mind with requesting if it was ok that he go.  I had to bite my tongue back as it again isn’t worth it to spew anything to him really.  His time at home and time away for us isn’t much different, meaning whether he’s here or not, I have the same amount of work to do, if not more.

Is there a means of removing regret from my life?  Not until I have true peace within myself and stop looking for it elsewhere I guess.  Can I buy that at a store somewhere?

I did it

I privatized my Duck-ass posts.  Not all of them of course, but a good chunk of them as they gave much too much information really.  I can quite often get caught up in the writing of it all and not even realize my brain filter was turned off for the moment.

My dh is sure a duck ass, not because of a new thing I’m going to over-share with ya, but just reading back into old posts, he’s an ass for certain.  But is he truly different from any other man in the world?  I doubt it.

Then he brings me flowers.  Yep, he bought me pretty purple flowers yesterday, and he called a truce as we’ve been fighting hard lately.  Normally, I’m not really a flower kinda gal.  They wilt and die easily and I’m often allergic.  But this was such a shock I was stunned and sappily happy to receive them.

Things have been changing around here a bit, but they always do when we argue.  He alters hisself and helps out nicely for about a week and then things get back to ‘normal’ after that, which makes me boil.  But, the difference is lately I’ve actually been calling him on his crap and not holding back.  I know, me, the one who had to go back through her posts to privatize some for over-sharing has held back before, but not anymore by golly.

Crap, been watching Little House on the Prairie a lot and have been speaking like it too.

Homeschooling is still good, but I gotta work on Punk.  We had it out again today, and then tonight she told me she thinks she’s stupid.  Niiice.  How do you truly counteract that when her every motion during schooltime often points to a lack of intelligence?  I know she’s not, but there are some days where she tries ever so hard to prove me wrong.  I know it’s a lack of confidence and pure laziness as she loathes work, but school isn’t easy for her and has to be worked at.  I am trying to work in more fun stuff into the day and have her look forward to certain things, but it ain’t easy, not with my own self-doubt nagging at me.

Tomorrow’s another day.

No interest

I thought it was a fitting title for my ideas for the blog lately.  I’ve had tons of things to chat about, but none of it seeming interesting enough, or they’re much too candid, to type out.  I’ve had zero interest in attempting to eke out one iota of words for anything lately.  Weird huh.

Homeschooling is rockin on, very well.  I’m still at the stage where I don’t know if I’m ‘teaching’ them enough or not, but that’ll subside somewhat.  Oh I doubt I’ll ever get to a point where I’m ever-so confident of my abilities to not only teach them what they don’t already know, but to inspire them to want it.  Bing is my ever-keen learner who wants to learn new things, and loves catching onto new concepts, and is very easily taught them as well.  Punk however is not a keener, in fact she’d love to draw all day, and play lego, so I’m going to have to incorporate that into the learning process more for both of them.

We are still also trying to figure out great ways not to drive each other crazy and to iron out the household stuff so I’m not the only one doing it (including dh).  It’s made it easier on me to be able to plan out things ahead of time instead of falling down stupid by 7 pm when I finally get Sweet Pea to bed.

I’ve also come to the conclusion that I’ll probably not vent anymore on here about dh.  I may even go so far as to erase previous posts regarding him … nah, I’ll just make them private.  I just want more freedom with my words I think than what I can post to the www right now.  Yeah sure, John Doe from MIssouri doesn’t care what I type nor does he need to know, but my mom’s second cousin doesn’t need to know either.

Good days

We all have ‘em, good days, and we seem to revel in the day, not even noticing that it has ended with us having a smile on our faces.  I have a lot of them, I truly do.  You don’t read about all my days here, so you don’t get the idea that I have them.  I have quite a few of them, I’ve altered my focus enough that I’ve noticed them lately, and noticed how I’ve noticed them … whoa.  I’m not in a perfect mood all the time, it’s not really possible for me to be so really, but I’m thrilled that nastiness and sourness are not dominating my days.

In fact, even though there’s been sour moments, the homeschooling is going wonderfully.  I do have to get some science experiments going this morning and grab the sewing machine as it is Sewing Machine Day.  They get to learn how to use the sewing machine after their dad brings them back from hunting *snort*.  I do still have some doubts about my own abilities to teach my offspring, but I know even with my doubts that I can do a better job than what they were (weren’t) learning in school.  There is no doubt however that they will get a wide variety of skills under their belts.  Both Punk and Bing could probably help dress and skin a deer now, and then come home to sew on a button and change a baby’s bottom.

I did an assessment test.  I know, I can’t believe I actually gave a test to my own children since I loathe them, but I did it anyway.  I had to see what they knew.

Oy.

Let’s just say it wasn’t good.  For them not to know certain things disappointed me, but I sure as hell didn’t let them know that.  I made sure they knew that this was merely a tool to allow me to see exactly where they were because even though the curriculum says they should be knowing such-and-such doesn’t mean they actually know it enough to understand it.  School in a classroom is often about memorization and moving on, even if the understanding isn’t there.  So my grade 3′er can’t tell time whatsoever unless it’s on a digital readout, so it’s something we’ll be working on, and being able to work on it at home in a comfortable relaxed environment without pressure means she can work on it until she understands it.

Gotta go find some more crafts.

Poor Punk

We had a bit of a tizzy this morning.  Dh and I had a doozy of a fight, it happens rarely and took us both by surprise.  When that kind of fight happens the rest of the world stays still for a while, or becomes non-existent really.  Yeah, it was one of those.

No, I’m not writing any details out, that is certainly not fit for public display, but man it sure made me think of what we do to our kids.  Punk was sitting under the overhang of our island (the breakfast bar) and crying because she hadn’t ever heard us like that.  Usually it has always happened when she was sleeping if we fought like that (which is rare anyway), so she was quite upset about it all.

I took her aside after the heat dissipated and asked her how much she loved her sister.  She said she loves her very much.  I gently reminded her that she fights with her, even loud and upsetting ones, but she still loves her sister, and she wholeheartedly agreed.  I’m hoping it helps her understand that even though we fought, we still love each other and because of that we will work it out and find some sort of compromise.

I think this is going to be a week of reflection for me.  Reflection on my life, reflection on my contribution to my situation, and the general direction I want my family to go.  This is nuts that we blew up like this, but it’s bound to happen occasionally.  I’m surprised I’m so blasé about it all really, but it may be that I’m almost all vented out now.

Are men naturally, genetically work-aholics?  I just wonder if they are because it doesn’t seem to matter what they get into, with the exception of family, they tend to go full tilt, no-holds-barred, head-down ass-up, at the expense of everything else.  I guess because I’m a Libra, I enjoy balance in everything.  I rarely go full tilt with anything, even with this homeschooling thing, it will not rule our lives, it will not become the central focus of even every day.  It’s just not my style to have one event, one thing, be the centre of our entire universe.  Hell, even Sweet Pea doesn’t hold that title.

I just won’t do that, and can’t understand it happening elsewhere in our lives.

I’m at it again

Here I go again (did Whitesnake just pop into anyone else’s head?).  Here I go, ignoring my blog for too long, which sends WordPress into a password asking frenzy to verify that yes, it actually is this lazy good-for-nothin chickie posting to her own blog after ignoring it for only 5 days (or 4, what day is it?).  But, this time, I have good reason.  Well, I think it is anyway.

We started school today.  I should’ve taken pictures, but the girls are off with their dad doing PE with him giving them lessons on archery.  Homeschooling rocks!LOL!

It was a good day.  Yeah, Punk had a bit of a teary session this morning and rubbed snot and tears all over my shirt to calm herself, but once she had that ‘aha’ moment, she whizzed through the rest of the sheets.  I’ve firmly decided to only align the girls, using curriculum, with the school board for Math and LA.  Mainly because I’m a little unsure of where to begin with them since I don’t know what they know.  I was never fantastic at LA with the exception of writing stories and spelling, but my grammar, punctuation and knowledge of the differences between pronouns and adjectives is a bit foggy.  So I chose curriculum so we can learn it together (that an School House Rock is amazing!).  It’ll just take me preparing a bit more I think to help them out (which means read it a few nights before so I can get the gist of what those big words mean ).

I’m also at it again on my government’s website for more kidlets.  I’ve been this way before and had my heart snagged, but now I’m more prepared when the sweet faces disappear on the site before we get reapproved.  We had decided that we were going to wait until next year to maybe go again because our niece had plans to get married in Cancun, and we didn’t want yet another hassle of attempting to get a passport for an mid-way-adopted child.  We got the news that she has changed her mind, and has also asked her uncle (dh if you didn’t catch that) to be the presider.  What an honour for him, but of course the first thing that popped in my mind was #1. Whew, I don’t have to have another vacation with dh’s entire family for the whole time, and #2. We could possibly adopt earlier!  LMAO!  I’m such a dork really, as if it’s only my decision to do so.

So I have the government adoption site bookmarked because I never stop looking, and can imagine I never will.  I was sweetly shocked to see a gorgeous set of siblings (not gorgeous as in ‘look at those model-type kids’, but gorgeous as in severly sweet faces!), and by set I mean four kids.  FOUR!  I was heartbroken though too, can you imagine at 10, 8, 6, and 3 being removed from your parent(s) and placed up for adoption?  Thankfully they keep them together to help with any attachment issues.  Not that it’s a cure-all, but it is sure a help when they have that sibling to hold onto when their doubts are triggered again and again (as they always will be present).

I’m grasping though, there is no way in hell dh is going to concede adopting four at once, especially considering it messes up the birth order of Bing.  She’s an oldest child no doubt about it, and I think it would affect her greatly if she were forcibly removed from that.  So it’s not just dh holding me back from this, but logic really, but my heart tends to go to mush at more and more kids.

*sigh*  And I’d even homeschool the lot … oh God, I’ve lost my mind.