I should’ve known

My dh is a money guy, meaning he obsesses about the stuff.  Not stealing, nor truly hoarding, but is a nickel and dimer to the very last.

I wrote earlier about dh mentioning he needed to talk to me about something.  I was completely thinking it was something serious like our marriage, sex life or my weight.  I should’ve known it’d be completely about money.

You see, as with all marriages, there is a double standard between husband and wife, sort of a ‘what’s good for the goose sure as hell isn’t going to be the same for the gander’ kinda crap.  My marriage is no different, but of course, when it’s pointed out, it is justified by my other half but only in his favour of course (can you feel me rolling my eyes?).

My dh spends about $100 per month on his hockey (he saves to pay for his yearly dues) and hunting combined.  I can guarantee that during hunting season, his set aside money isn’t quite enough to cover it, but I don’t say anything as I know he’s not an idiot and not going to put us into debt with his spending.  He does not trust me with the same courtesy.  This morning he said I had over spent on ‘my’ budget, I have $50 a month to spend on whatever I want.  This month I bought Gilmore girls for $54, I knew it was over so I knew I wouldn’t be buying more than 1 movie, or $40 worth, for April.  He then tells me that I bought 2 other movies for the girls so I can’t buy any in April.  Ok, wait, what?!  In order for me to buy movies for the girls (I seriously mean for the girls, it was 2 $5 kid movies) I have to take it out of money set aside for my own purchases, but if he wants to buy another sausage stuffer (our grinder has a very slow stuffer attachment) it just comes out of household naturally.

He just doesn’t get it, I don’t worship the budget, I don’t consider it a means of forcing his views down my throat, but I do see it is a great guide for our spending.  He seriously thinks that I’m going to put us over by spending an extra $10 on movies for the kids.  He will never try to understand my thinking as his is the only one that is ‘right’, right? Sheesh, and here I thought it was something important, but no, it’s just another money obsessive talk from the double-standard man.

Bugger.

Just random blatherings

If your dh (or dw for those of the other side) says to you, ‘I have to talk to you about something and I don’t know how to approach you about it’, what is your first thoughts.

I had a barrage of thoughts really to choose from:

1. 1. 1. You’re a biotch and it’s hard to live with you (obvious choice ).
      2. The house is too messy all the time (one he’d not approach without a cup).
      3. You are too forward and opinionated (uh, really?).
      4. Your weight is bothersome and I’m worried.

#4 is the most obvious and likely choice. I’m overweight, and I’d like to say I can’t help it, but no one would believe me. I have a friend whom I love, whose husband I have something very much in common. I avoid doctors because of what they’ll say about my weight, I eat anything I want, and usually in great quantities, and I rarely exercise or do anything about it. It’s not out of lack of desire, nor even out of the ever-mysterious ‘will power’ as I quit smoking a pack a day very easily. I wouldn’t be able to explain it in words (hence I’m blogging about it? go figure).

It’s not that I’ve never been active, or had a chubby childhood. I was a teenager who smoked, drank and partied, but yet rode my bike across town because I hated taking the bus, rollerbladed 7 miles every other day, and ran occasionally. Go figure. I was in great shape when I met dh, and was even active after high school. Why’d I stop? Kids, but even that isn’t an excuse really as they are very transportable.

So my size is formidable and dh has never approached me about it seriously before, until we went on that ski trip. The van ride was great. Sweet Pea barely squeaked, the kids were well entertained and dh and I had the best talk we’ve had in a long time. I mean a seriously long time, a sad-to-remember long time, yes, ok, you get it. We approached every topic that is a hot-button for us, and it was well done. We didn’t fight, didn’t raise our voices, and even topics such as my weight and health were approached and I didn’t take offense at all. It’s almost as if the vehicle gave us a buffer zone that we knew we couldn’t take the offensive on any topic as it would make not only the van trip a bust, but the ski trip would suffer as well. Any of our previous hard-topic-conversations have all ended rather badly, and he has approach me previously about weight, but more in a derogatory, blaming way rather than anything else. That approach would’ve wrecked our trip (btw, I’m not the best at conversing either, I can get rather blunt with dh’s ‘issues’ as well).

So when dh came in from the garage while I was in the midst of writing this blog, I suggested to him that we get into the van and talk about it. For some reason he laughed ~shrug~. But he clarified that it wasn’t something he wasn’t sure how he could approach me with it, but how he could do it with compassion and understanding, rather than accusing or what, I don’t know. It pretty much confirmed the topic for me.

p.s. For my lovely-skinned friend, was this a small glimpse into your dh’s issues? *smootch*

Is she damaged for life?

Not intended to be a truly dramatic ‘duhn-duhn-duhnnn’ kinda title, but just curiosity really.

We went skiing and it was good. Not just good, it was awesome. But, it did have one little glitch right in the middle of it. Punk isn’t the best skier, but she does very well for being a fraidy cat. I’m serious, she doesn’t like danger whatsoever, and that’s fine, so skiing was a bit of a stretch for her to attempt. She has really risen to the challenge quite well considering she’s been doing it for 3 years now.

This trip wasn’t unlike any other we’ve had. First few runs we have to convince her she’s doing fine and talk her through it. Then she’s fine for the rest of the day. Lessons aren’t even completely necessary.

Dh is an awesome skier, I’m okay, and Bing is pretty good too. To keep hisself from being too bored on the easier runs, dh will often find little jumps, or run through the trees. Now the trees at this particular ski hill are often well used with little trails that take you fairly safely through. I say fairly safely because they still require some skill, but Punk did so great.

We were coming out of the trees after our fourth time through a tree trail with dh ahead, Punk second, me following with Bing in last. It was when I came through the trees that I saw her fall and heard her scream. I panicked only a little and yanked off my skis and ran toward her. Dh was already there and I screamed, ‘oh my God’. Now those that know me know that phrase doesn’t leave my mouth, but it didn’t hesitate that day. Her upper body was facing north, but her one foot was not, it was twisted right around, and of course the ski is holding tight and forcing her foot to remain facing the wrong way.

Now that you’ve held your gut and gasped, imagine my horror at witnessing it, and her pain. ~shudder~

Dh, got her skis off and we turned her foot around carefully just in case it was broken. Fate was on our side though and not only were we 50 feet from an instructor that came rushing over, but a ski patrol guy had skied down just as she screamed and he stopped. Both came by to check things out. The instructor went back to his lesson only after the patrol guy arrived, and both men were extremely calm and good with her. She continued crying in pain of course and was shaking while the patrolman checked her leg out. It wasn’t broken thank God in heaven. He asked if we wanted to take the snowmobile down with her, and we regret saying no, but we did. Punk insisted she was walking down. Needless to say that didn’t happen. But she did get a ride on her dad’s back the rest of the way down the hill while Bing and I carried her skis. That was it for Punk’s ski trip this time. She twisted her knee. We chose not to take her to the dr for the very reason that I’d be put in jail after punching out the first dr that does the twist test to see if it’s a serious sprain or not. She went back to the condo with gramma, who was watching Sweet Pea at the time. While she missed us horribly (as did we), she was happy to relax at the condo watching cartoons.

I worried about her only up until watching her walk this morning. Now this is only a mere 2 days after injuring her knee and she walks just fine. A minor limp is there because it hurts her to straighten her knee. I wrote a note to her teacher to let her know she is not to be allowed to run in gym class at all, we don’t want to further wreck the thing.

It still amazes me how rubbery kids really are. If you think about it, if an adults leg was in the position that Punk’s was, that adult would still be in hospital after having surgery either to repair a broken leg, or torn ligament, which would take them out for weeks and ruin sports for life. But kids just bounce back in a couple of days. Amazing, I only hope this doesn’t damage her knees for life.

Another thing to ponder

I’ve always thought that I should attempt to do all I can possible, within reason, to raise my children the best I can, providing them with the opportunities to grow into the best adult they can be.

Then I had my first.  Yeah, my first child changed everything about what I thought children were supposed to be.  In fact she kind of ruined me really, we were quite spoiled with the child she was and is.  Bing has been the most amazing kid all her 8 and 11/12th years.  I don’t say this just because I’m the mom.  Everyone says that about their kids, I know, I just cannot explain the uniqueness of this child to anyone that hasn’t met her.

At 2 years old, she was completely capable of empathy and consoled a younger child (not her sister).  She used to build things that made me gasp, I don’t mean in beauty, but their structure was that of real life, as if she had thought ‘oh, this bridge will not stay standing without so-many supports under it’, and she was thinking this at 2 and 3 years old.  She makes connections with others almost instantly, and people seem to be drawn to her.

I learned today that my dad has a special connection to her.  Families sometimes tend to have ‘favourites’ among them, but my parents have never, ever, let it be known, or even hinted that they may have one.  My mom spilled the beans that he has a connection with her that cannot be explained.

The reason I write all this garble is I’m extremely worried about her.  Albeit, her extreme sense of empathy is so incredible that I can imagine her being hurt incessantly in Jr. High, but that aside, I worry she is being overlooked for her abilities.  She’s not been doing as well this year in school, and she is so concerned about others that she tends to forget about herself.  Her self-esteem is fairly low and she is appalled by mistakes.  I’m at a loss to help her besides pulling her out of school and homeschooling her so she is not bombarded daily by fashion minded friends whose biggest ambition is to see how much ’stuff’ they can con from their newly divorced parents.  I want more for her.

I sound so one sided, or biased or even neglectful of my Punk.  After all, Punk is in the next grade below.  The difference being is Punk has always been the kind of kid that will go her own way because that’s what she wants.  She wears 2 different colours of socks to school because that’s what she likes.  She wears a purple shirt with green camo pants and pink socks because she likes all those colours together.  She’s just … well, she’s just fine.  Even with the teacher I’m not keen on she’s doing fine in school.  But Bing has me seriously considering homeschooling my kids.

I don’t want to seclude her from her peers, that’s not it.  But I don’t want the constant distraction that comes from a classroom where I don’t believe she belongs.  She’s too smart for it.  My mom and I talked about how brilliant we feel she is, but I don’t see that reflected in grades.  Where I do see it is how the adults around her talk about what a wonderful person she is.  3 years running now she has received a prestigious award that is rewarded once a year to children demonstrating great Christian actions throughout the school year.  This isn’t one of those that gets passed out to all the kids (even the ones we can’t stand) but one that is upon the recommendation of the teachers alone.  1 child per grade (out of 4 classes per grade) has been chosen, and she has been the choice for 3 years.

2 days ago she asked if I was going to homeschool her.  This was out of the blue, and quite a shock.  I have previously explained what homeschooling was and that I wish I could do it, and nothing more was said of it until 2 days ago.  I’m going to do some research for now to see what I find.

I worry about her.  I worry more than I worry for my others, is that wrong or do I sense something more for her than what the school can provide?

How much do you volunteer?

I’m not really a volunteer guru, nor do I spend countless nights up to complete my umpteenth cupcake for a bake sale.  I do volunteer as leader for Lectoring in my church, I am class rep for School Council, I am planning on seeing if I can get on the executive committee for it, (PTA for those in the U.S.), and have been asked to be part of a forum for my diocese.

I don’t like overextending myself.  I know I have things that have to be done, I have 3 kids, with plans to have more, there’s no way I can do all the things asked of me right now.  Maybe when the kids are gone, sure, but now? I think not.  So where do I draw the line?

I’ve always been taught that my time is precious, meaning not just what I give others, but what I set aside for myself.  I’ve also figured out that my time comes first, not last, and I really do fine at that, there’s no issues with ‘trying’ or ‘forgetting’ or even the dreaded ‘no-time’ bullshit that people often come up with.  ‘My’ time can be spent doing the things I love: playing on the pc, blogging, putting together a puzzle, and even just getting out to the library for a few hours by myself once a week.  I’m not even sure how I’ve created a good balance with my time really, it’s kind of just fell in place.  Granted I do not work outside the home, so that makes it a lot easier.  Also having a dh that completely gets it that I need my time helps too.

So again, where do I draw the line?  I draw the line when the time I volunteer interfere’s in ‘me time’.  Sounds crazy?  Who cares.  Women today want it all, I’m no different, we want equality, we want respect, we want all the options available to us, so to get all that, we often sacrifice everything we have of ourselves to achieve it.  I’m not even talking about the lucrative CEO position of a major company, this even applies to the mom wanting her dh to be an equal partner in parenting and house work.  We stay up late to bake the perfect cake for the class party because no one else volunteered, we run ourselves ragged trying to get a healthy supper together whilst juggling kids’ activities that they have to be in, we are super-mom and sex-goddess all at the same time by losing our inhibitions in the bedroom after baking that last cupcake.  Meanwhile we are wondering why our bodies are betraying us by refusing to lose weight, breaking out in acne, mood-swings, illness, and utter exhaustion.  We only take time if it’s 10 minutes before bedtime, and then if we try to read that novel before bed that we bought 2 years ago, we fall asleep before the end of the page.

I’m just not that kind of gal.  My dh is a go-getter kinda guy.  Always on the move, always doing something, and feels lazy and idle if he’s not.  I blame his parents, they used to be the same way, everything was about what you were doing, and it wasn’t until the younger 2 of the 4 kids (twins) were in their teens before either of them sat down for nothing (as in ‘didn’t have a reason to sit’).  I think they finally sat because their kids were old enough to do all the work in the house, so they *could* sit.  Dh was worried about this vacation we took to Mexico last month.  He was worried he’d be bored just sitting, as that’s exactly what I planned to do, sit on the deck, sit on the beach, sit on my butt in general.  Needless to say he had a blast sitting, probably didn’t know people watching could be so much fun.

Is it a perfect system?  Hell I don’t think so, I know I can still get caught in the trap that I need to do it all.  The latest was when I volunteered to help out for the hot lunch program at the school, and then 5 days before my first ’shift’, we received Sweet Pea.  Nothing like throwing a wrench in things, how do you get a babysitter for a kid I don’t even know yet?  So I stopped volunteering after that term, with no guilt or remorse for leaving them short handed.  It couldn’t be helped at all.  Sure, I could get a sitter now and go back, but would it mess up the balance I have now?

All-in-all, I know how to take care of my time.  I don’t let volunteer-time take over me-time ever, and that’s where I draw my line, where’s yours?

Souvenirs, do you do it?

I’m not technically a souvenir gal per se, I don’t usually go out of my way to get something for someone. It’s mostly because I’ve got a lot of acquaintances, a lot. Very few close friends, but of those close friends, none of them are truly souvenir kinda people. You know, the ones who buy every cutsie trinket they see for all their friends on any trip they head out to.

When we went to Mexico, I had no previous intentions of picking up anything for anyone. We did however, go into some really cool shops. Of course they had the great cheesy trinkets, but there was some beautiful things too. With Mexico being a very Catholic country, there were crosses and Mary stuff everywhere. We have friends and the gentleman is a deacon, and it goes without saying that everyone has given him a cross or two since his ordination. He has quite a collection going and we tease him about it mercilessly. Well, being the tricksters we are, we grabbed the cheesiest, Mexican-type cross we could find. It was still very pretty, but it was meant as a bit of a joke too.

But then, in another shop, I came across something that just blew my mind. The colour of it was so stunning I had to get it for her. The reason I’m being vague about what it is, and who it was for is because I’m not sure if it’s made it to her yet and don’t want to give it away. But this beautiful friend of mine has stunning skin, you know the kind, dark hair against a milky, Geena-Davis-type skin and she was the first thing I thought of when I saw the colour. I got that for her and then her 2 dd’s received darling little Mexico trinkets that all kids love!LOL! Nothing like being vague huh.

Another friend, we grabbed 2 of those trinkets for their daughters and then a sweet colourful gecko to hang in a corner they have for trinket’y things, and it’s mostly because I saw it and thought of them.

I don’t know, I’m kind of a souvenir gal, but kind of not. I don’t want to get someone something they can get at home, but I don’t want people obligated to get me anything from their travels either. I don’t spend much, I won’t do it all the time, I just hope it’s all taken in the spirit it is given.

Do you do it?