Whirlwind days

The last 2 days have gone by much too quickly as I have only sewn 3 diapers, bought a carseat, wipes, liners, soothers, clip, under-shirts, sleepers, a Halloween costume, hair dye (oh wait, that’s for me ), crib sheets & newborn diapers (for travelling with him home).

I know!  I called our AW on Monday morning, a bit of a lunatic on the voice mail, but she was fine with that.  She explained that this was for real.  There is still opportunity for us to turn back, but it’s really happening.  Here’s how it works.  They do their teleconference call tomorrow at 1:00pm and talk about the file, it actually is just a formality that has to be done in order to complete the transfer.  After the call, AW calls me and gives me the 2 options I have, to do our information sharing about him:

1. We could schedule a time to go to our AW’s office to do a teleconference with JD’s worker in order to get any more pertinent information and then decide from there what to do.
2. We could go to ~city where he’s at~, 3 hours away, ASAP and meet at JD’s worker’s office or the hospital, and have the information sharing when we get there.

What it means when my worker says that we could pretty much go pick him up as we’re doing the information sharing is the information pertinent to his case is already shared with us.  Really, what more are they going to know about an infant?  Of course I have a ton of questions to ask the dr’s and nurses that have cared for him, but I don’t see how that would change my mind at all.  All kids have an unknown about them when they’re born, there is no guarantees with a birth child or an adoptive child.  I have a starting off point, I’ll have a good pediatrician and excellent support through the government if need be.

I’ve told a lot of people already, but tomorrow is the final day.  Tomorrow is the day we find out what happens next, when we can get him, and if dh is willing, we can pick him up ASAP.  He’s a little nervous I think, as he should be, he’s about to be a dad again *sigh*.

Oh man, I can sure tell that the whole adoption issue is going to be a work in progress for Bing and Punk though.  We were walking home from swimming lessons and we were of course talking about JD and how it’s going to be quite a change when he comes home (see, I’ve already made up my mind ).  I said, “You know, JD won’t be more important than you, it just may seem like it at first.”  Bing pipes up in her all-knowing voice and says, “oh I know that, but that’s because you gave birth to me and Punk so we are more important because you didn’t give birth to JD.”  Needless to say my mouth dropped open and I quickly stammered to correct her.  I think most people find it hard to understand that a child of mine could be loved whether they emerged from my womb or from that of another woman, it doesn’t matter.  Once they’ve been placed in my home, they’re mine, my children, not my adoptive children, but my children.  It’ll grow with time, just as it did with my birth-kids.

Another thing that has come up though is we have no idea what race/heritage he is either and we really don’t care.  I know it’ll be easier on me if he’s white and since he’s a newborn that’ll help fend off strange questions from unobservant people if a 2 year old suddenly arrived.  A teeny, weeny, tiny part of me is pulled toward Caucasian simply because we are.  It’d just be easier than say a child with Asian, or African heritage, and starking white parents, it tends to be harder on the children as they grow.  I’ve got pretty hard skin and know how to handle weird people, but the kids don’t.  I’m already practicing up my auto-responses to people asking why he was in the hospital so long after birth  , uhhh, not a topic I’m willing to expose to perfect strangers, nor close friends because it doesn’t really matter.

Now that you’ve all had your lesson in adoptive etiquette, wish me Godspeed tomorrow!

When I’m alone

I think more, I play on the pc to pass the time so much that my elbows start to hurt from being in the same position for too long.  Dh has gone a’hunting again with his best buddy, and although I hate being in the house alone, I do tend to enjoy the sleeping alone as dh whines about my snoring (yeah, like there’s something I can do about that).

My mind is fairly fried.  Luckily the weekend was spent being fairly busy, so it wasn’t an absolute melt down kinda time, but it was pretty horrid, mainly because I couldn’t really openly talk about what’s happening.  Well, not really, but I hate, hate, hate, retracting information deemed wrong.  Especially since with my fried brain I’d forget who I’ve told and get a baby gift or something stupid.

My mom knows (my dad doesn’t want to be told until it is a final process so his softy heart doesn’t break ), his parents know, Bing & Punk know (and are excited, yet knowledgeable about the possibility of retraction), a friend, and of course half of my Facebook people because I’m a big ol’ blabber mouth on there.  Thankfully a retraction is horribly easy on there through the changing of my status if we happen to not ‘get’ JD.

I hate being confused in this issue.  I thought I was certain that we are almost past the point of no return, which means we get JD, but now I’m not so sure.  The teleconference that is to be scheduled was made to seem like it was just a formality to go over what was already known about his case, and to accept him & his file as a transfer into our region.  I got thinking this weekend that I wondered if there was ever a time when a region rejected transfer of a child.  Is it possible really?  I guess the better question is, is it probable?

I highly doubt it, but it has slowly seeped doubt into my mind about our ‘finality’ of this placement.  I know we have the opportunity to turn back at any time before placement, but that is also very unlikely.  In fact, I can’t think of a reason right now why we’d turn it down.  I suppose if there was something very serious not disclosed at my initial phone call, but usually that is something major to do with an older child pertaining to abuses or major physical/mental disability.  JD had 8s on his Apgars at birth, which is good, and has been progressing well and has no physical issues yet and birth-mom wasn’t neglectful by any means as she willingly gave him up.

I guess another reason that comes to mind about the whole ‘what happens on Wednesday thing’ is that the birth-mom has 10 business days or something from the time of ‘handing him over’ to change her mind, which is Wednesday, but it’s also because his worker cannot meet on Monday, my AW cannot meet on Tuesday, but she did say Wednesday was pretty good for everyone involved, so we wait.  That’s just over 2 days until the actual day arrives and then knowing my disability of waiting well the meeting wouldn’t happen until the afternoon, or even *gasp* Thursday … oh God, help me now.

See this is the shit I think of when I’m left alone. *sigh*

The agony of waiting

It’s only been a whole day since we were phoned about JD. I’ve done almost nothing but think of him, not that I know a lot about him in particular, but about the fact that he could be ours in such a short while. My mind is bent on him and I can’t seem to preoccupy it for long.

I spent the morning doing something I love. I set up my mom’s new pc. She had one made up for her because hers crashed and I had to load up all her programs and get her internet working. Thank the good Lord above she only lost about a years worth of pictures (much better than the 8 we first thought of). Throughout that ordeal this morning, I did manage to keep my mind off him for a while. But it wasn’t long after that I couldn’t keep my mind off him again.

I did manage to start a pretty good list for myself. One that lists exactly what we’d need to buy before we pick up JD. I had forgotten all the ‘tools’ necessary for the infancy stage. My list doesn’t include any type of toys yet, just the basics like: Carseat w/ head hugger, Formula, Bottles, nipples, liners, Diapers (these would be cloth, hand sewn) & Wipes , Clothing (aka Sleepers, Onesies, Winter coat). then later we’d need: Crib (newborns can sleep in a laundry basket temporarily ), Sling (which I’ll sew), Change table, Stroller, Gripe Water, Baby shampoo, Baby monitor, High Chair ….. did I miss anything? Sheesh, quite a list. A lot of it we can get used, or from friends, but a carseat has to be new.

We still haven’t made our final decision whether to proceed from here or not, so obviously I won’t be buying anything yet. I know in my heart I’ve decided, but as is usual my other half is slightly slower on the uptake. Of course I’ll post fervently when we know, and of course any news from then on in. It truly isn’t for the sake of any ‘readers’ I may have, but for my own brain to vomit so maybe I can get some sleep and think of other things.

The intensity of anticipation

Yes, yes, it has come up again. Adoption, ah adoption. What a road it’s been. It started so wiry, chaotic and hasn’t simmered since. We had hoped for July so we could include the new kid(s) in our holidays – when that failed to pan out, we had hoped for August to assure school registration if necessary as well as an easier transition time with the family – again, that obviously didn’t pan out (is this a run-on sentence or what? Mrs. Koran would kill me ). We had hoped for September obviously, but only because we’re so sick of waiting, so when that the highly awaited call came, it really took me be surprise.

You see I had just called my AW today for an update on some children we asked to be placed with 2 weeks ago and had to leave a message. I left an inane, babbling run-on smudge of words, much like my sentence above, full of idiotic statements like, ‘i’m one of those adoptive parents that needs a bit of reassurance that we’re still good parents’ and then laughed nervously. WTF, I’m not that kind of parent, I KNOW I’m a decent parent, I definitely don’t need a hand to be held, but my voice kept wandering, and my mind was even worse. I had consumed only 2 cups of potent coffee, so that could have been my problem. I thought I was doomed after I had hung up.

An hour or so later, she calls back. She told me that we were not chosen for the sibling pair that we had spoken about. I was a bit saddened but happy that another family was chosen too, it’s a bitter-sweet victory for the drifter kids this day. She then came out with some startling news. Startling to me because this type of venturings hadn’t happened to us as of yet. We had been chosen. Man, I’m starting to sound like it’s some perilous quest from which we will ne’er return, although endless days of homework (mine & theirs), swimming lessons, hunting widow’ness, and severe procrastination seems like a fairly repulsive quest of its own. But yes, out of the main database, the computer spit out a bunch of waiting families for a social worker who picked us … here’s the kicker. It’s for a newborn.

He he he, now bear with me whilst I rummage through my memory banks to remember what that was like *snort*. Dh and I got talking and found a couple of issues that aren’t dire, but bug us a bit. First off, we would have absolutely no prep time for this baby to come into our home. I’m going to call him JD for now to save me typing ‘baby-boy’ all the time …. oh yeah, like I’m a stickler for keeping my blogs short, riiiiiight. Ok, due to JD’s current ’situation’ instead of placing him in a foster home, his AW wants to place him immediately after discharge from the hospital where he was born so as to reduce JD’s time away from his ‘forever family’ (what a great name for us eh?!). What’s a bit scary is he’d be released sometime next week’ish, most likely Friday, or the week following (I don’t know if they’d release on a weekend or not). What a great birthday present for me huh, Happy Birthday … mom . The second kicker is the age difference between our youngest, Punk and JD is 6 years. That’s a lot and it tends to mean said baby is utterly spoiled and almost like an only child. But I reassured dh that JD would be spoiled if he were 1 week old or 4 years old.

Can you imagine? I am in agony waiting. Oh, and another kicker, we’d most likely get to name him! Do we put to use the stand-by boy names discarded after our girls were born or pick all anew? Bing knows the name we’d have picked for her had she a weenie, and she keeps suggesting that it’d be a great name for a boy.

Oh, and on that note, we haven’t told the girls anything as of yet. I think we’re keeping it under wraps a bit with them until the end of the weekend when we have a firm grasp as to if we’re going ahead with it (yes, we still have the option to back out as I type). I already told Dh that I’d be crushed if we turned it down. He of course poo-pooed me and stated matter-of-factly that it was I that wanted ‘only’ a sibling group (his words, not mine) and that he’s not sure he’d want to do this again, meaning a bit ol’ threat that has no backing .

It’s an unusual set-up I’m sure to have no inkling about receiving an infant and then wham, you gotta buy a crib, diapers (cloth for me … well, not me, but the baby, I’m not at that point yet) , formula (because my beacons don’t work for that purpose anymore), clothes (baby never went to a foster mom who’d stock up a bit on government money!LOL!), car seat, baby wipes, playpen, change table, high chair, soothers, gripe water … oh crap the list goes on. Wanna hear something funny? Ok, yes, I get it, you’re reading, not ‘listening’ but shut-up , a flier came in the mail today that a local department store is having a huge sale on baby stuff .

So the next step is waiting until next Wednesday (yes, 5 whole freakin more days!), when all of the AWs and supervisor involved can do a teleconference to get the ball rolling to transfer the out-of-region JD into my region to start the process. There is an information sharing afterward, with my AW, dh and me, to discuss further details of JDs situation, as we’ve been given good basics to go by so far. And if we’re satisfied and think we can handle the little squirt, we could have him in our arms in a week, maybe two! Man, if I were a fainter.

So, I’ll have a newborn, 2 kids in school (homework duties for 2, plus early intervention for 1), on the PTA, a house-wifey, a hunting widow, taking university courses, as well as a side course of French, dh’s deacon studies and active in the church … oh boy. Bring it on baby, bring it on.

Now that was a whack of thought vomit.

Neglect, that’s the word for it

It is utter neglect what I’ve done for this blog.  It seems weird that after a year of solid posting I would flitter down to almost nothing for a month.  WTF is up with that?  It’s not as if nothing has happened or as if I hadn’t any time to do so, I was just being lazy and neglectful I guess.

Our adoption is still slow of course.  My logical side (and yes, I do have one of those) tells me that it’s okay for it to take time, that means the right decisions are being made in the best interests of the children.  My fun-loving, intuitive attitude side says wtf is wrong with the way this system works that thousands of children and the same number of families can’t be put together easier than what’s going on.  There is no logical reason for this to take a year except for the fact that there is a million miles of paperwork to overcome and legal mumbo-jumbo that no one can actually make sense of but some gifted lawyer, and the kids suffer needlessly.  Luckily my logical side is the one that talks to our AW or I’m sure I’d be blacklisted.

We’ve made a decision regarding vehicles.  I guess the better term is I’ve let it go and let dh do whatever the hell he wants.  Even though I will be the primary driver, it’s not worth the fight or stress that was happening in order to get a vehicle more suited for us.  Yes, I know it sounds completely backwards, but you’d have to be married to my dh to understand.  He’s a hunting/fishing/camping kinda guy so to not have a truck I think digs into his ego a bit, although he’d never admit that.  Hell, it’s digging into my ego a bit to let the cause go, but I digress.

We’ve decided to keep the trailer we have too.  We were torn between getting a sort-of-new truck and a sort-of-new trailer to fit more kids, but then realized we were getting caught up in the mentality in our area of having ‘more and more’ crap.  We don’t really need a new trailer, we want it because it’d just be easier for us.  But what keeping our trailer will do is force into making sure we pack only the essentials instead of the ‘just-in-case’ crap that dh always stuffs in – I’m not talking just 1 or 2 extra blankets, but a LOT of extra blankets, pillow cases, sheets, food.  All excessively packed so that when it comes for me to unload the thing for winter, I’m pulling out shelves and shelves of extra food.  I plan all my meals for camping trips so having that extra food is useless really, we never use it.  So we’re keeping the trailer for a bit longer until kids are older and can make their own damn beds .

Camping season is officially over for us.  We are sad to admit that we haven’t the time in the next few weeks to go out one last time.  Our weather has not really been ideal either, but we’ve camped in this type of weather before, but we just don’t think we have a weekend completely free for a while to get out.  Of course the trailer is sitting in our driveway ready to go out on the next adventure, but really it’s just waiting for us to find the time to put it in it’s wintering place and blow out the lines.  It seemed like summer was not only short, but too full of other crapola that we didn’t really want to do.  Plus the weather wasn’t great and dh is still building cupboards, although I am glad to say he is almost finished cutting the doors.

This is a promise to myself about this blog I just want to state ‘out loud’ so to speak (ok, ’so to ‘write”).   I will not neglect this blog again, I won’t promise to post daily, but weekly yes, I missed it horribly.  It’s almost like an old friendship that has faltered slightly but is easy to pick up where it was left.  So I’m picking up where I left off and moving on.

Whirlwind of a summer gone

It never ceases to amaze me at how fast the summer has passed, and how crappy that can feel like. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy my kids are back at school as it makes my mornings much more quiet, but it just seems like we didn’t get enough fun stuff jammed in. The weekdays were fairly full, with a few sporadic quiet days sprinkled throughout, and the weekends were jam packed. We backpacked three times, although only twice with kidlets, and both times were great. This past one was definitely a great way to end the backpacking season.

Last years trip was very fun and I’d love to go back, but we’ve both decided that it’s a good idea to get a few other places under our belt before we return to that one. Dh and I did one called Ribbon Lake/Falls hike and it was a beautiful, and absolutely amazing hike. I’m not uploading pictures as I’d have to resize them all (darn SLR cameras make huge pictures – like 10+MB each). I’ve never seen such a string of waterfalls in my life. And I’m not talking about little cascaders, but 30ft to 75ft crashers that had us both in awe of the grandness of nature. That hike it’d be fine for our kids, with the exception of the chain climb at the very end of it, where you chain climb up and over about a total of 80ft or so. Not something my ticker could handle seeing my babies doing that.

It may become an annual trip on the September long weekend for us to find a place that ends up being such a great time had by all. The hike itself was rather great, with very little difficulty, but it did climb a lot. Towards the end was when Punk started to really whine about being tired (we removed her 3lb sleeping bag from her backpack and she was fine the remainder of the way). The lake was such a pretty green and was remarkably clear that we were instantly happy we came. The campsites were clean, there were lockers and tables and 2 fire pits, all reasonably distanced from the tenting area. We discovered later that the table situation was very inadequate for the number of campers that eventually arrive (19 sites with 2-3 people per site, or 4 like ours and it gets a bit cramped – luckily we all know how to share ).

All-in-all it was a great time. I think we’ll plan to do something of this nature every Sept. long as it is so much fun meeting new people, chatting, even playing games around the fire. There is only a few issues I had.

1. Someone there put the bug in our ear about the West Coast Trail. This is a 75km beautiful hike, not meant for amateurs, and I want to do it eventually. Of course sans kids because I’d have to listen to whining way too much.
2. I thought most people were aware, conscious, and cared about the importance of keeping the food away from the tenting sites due to bear activity, but I was wrong. We encountered a few small groups that lit fires in the midst of the camping area (a no-no), cooked beside their tent (yet another no-no), and washed their dishes in the only spring around that provides drinking water to everyone there (f’ing bastards, like I want you’re f’ing spaghetti to clog my filters, ew!). Oi.

We are definitely doing this again.