I don’t know if I should be sad or happy

but the dr. is unsure if I have sleep apnea.  Because I slept so poorly during the testing, it’s hard to make a firm diagnosis of it.  But if we went with the results that came, I don’t have it.  Yay, now we get to try and figure out what the hell is going on that I’m so tired during the day.  Of course that’ll vary with other things that interfere with sleep, ex. weddings, camping, illness, etc.

So here’s what I get to try for 2 weeks until I see him again.  Before, he had me on a schedule of 11pm to 7am.  Sucked big time, but I lived with it.  He asked me how much I figured I actually slept between those 2 times.  I answered 6 hours.  That’s only 75% of the time that I’m in bed do I actually sleep, which is not good, so he’s shortening my in bed time!! I’m in a bit of a panic mode as I can’t afford to be exhausted on a daily basis, but I totally understand his reasoning behind it all.  My new bedtime is now 12:00am, and I have to get up at 6:30 am to go for a 30 minute walk in sunshine to try and adjust my cycle.

He also feels strongly that I’m a night owl, which is a hard thing to be in reality what with business hours being what they are.  A night owl doesn’t function well in that type of situation, but we can’t change it.  I’m not absolutely convinced I am one as I don’t get more creative in the afternoon hours, but I do eat more at night than in early morning, which is another sign, plus my mom swears as a 5y/o kid I’d stay up till about 11′ish nightly and read (I read at an early age).

I’m really leery about it all.  I’m so tired these past few weeks that I actually have been falling asleep doing stuff, which I wouldn’t be able to before and that worries me.  Oh, and I’m still not allowed to nap or it’ll throw all of this work into chaos.

He says if in 2 more weeks I don’t see any change whatsoever, we may attempt melatonin to try and get my sleep cycle to be less owl-like.  I’m not keen on taking stuff I can’t wean off of easily, but he says it’s just a hormone to help sleep.  I remember Ken’s cousin being on it, but he is an invalid and has no melatonin in his body.  Hell, his parents used to have to get melatonin in the U.S. as Canada hadn’t ok’d it yet.

Ughh, so I’m going to be horribly tired, have I said that already?

1 down, 1 to go

The wedding was sweet and small, the way I like it. It had a lot more frills than I would, including boring speeches, but they did NOT do the ‘begging-for-money’ thing that I hate, which is good.

I blogged a bit about the weekend at my other blog, mainly because food was a bit of an issue there, if only because I had no control, in more ways than 1. I had no control meaning I didn’t control my eating-out foods, and no control meaning I had no say in what was served at the wedding. The classic wedding feast of roast, mashed taters, over boiled beans smothered in butter, steamed carrots and yummy nanaimo desserts were served, and I didn’t hold out, although I didn’t pork out. I did, however, drink 3 glasses of wine and 2 vodkas (with lemon/lime pop). I was worried about being hung over on Sunday as I had to read at church, but was just fine.

Dh however, was a bit of a PITA. Not because he over drank, or left me alone a lot to fend for myself with his family, but because he’s dh. We got home Sunday feeling so freakin tired, all of us, because of the crappy hotel room had a horrible humming noise coming from the room below us all.freakin.night. None of us slept well. I had a horrible headache from the alcohol and lack of sleep, but I’m used to them as I get them all the time with my allergies. I just suck it up, take drugs if I need to and then move on. But when dh gets a headache, the entire universe knows about it and it’s no longer a ‘headache’ but a migraine (can you feel my eyes roll?). Meanwhile he can walk around, see light, and not vomit. It is far from a real migraine, but to dh, it’s as close to death as he could be.

So on a night when I slept as bad as him, drank more than him, and had to read at church (usually gives me a headache after) I had to fend for myself with kids who were over tired so that he could sleep. He comes downstairs after one of his many naps and lays behind Punk, whose our wiggle girl, and figures she should be quiet and lay still. I told her she could do what she wanted, dh was last in the room . I was just seriously irritated at him at his whining. Then a buddy of his phones and he proceeds to talk to him, in BED, for ½ and hour, of course he told him about what a migraine he has. Duck ass.

Moving on though, there’s nothing I can do about it but roll my eyes as dh isn’t going to change. His gramma is like this, his dad is like this, his sister is like this and he is like this. Although, luckily, with him it’s not a daily occurrence, it’s an occasional slip when I haven’t called him on it in a while. It’s something about his family that makes them all tell you every ailment that is burdening them at the moment, or make sure you know that your own ailment is nothing like theirs as theirs is way worse than yours. Oi.

I completely forgot to explain my title!LOL! 1 wedding down, 1 to go in this family as the sister is getting married in August. Another ‘fun’ time to look forward to. Although, when we saw her at this wedding, she told us that hers is going to be non-traditional so I’m curious as to if she’s done it somewhat like ours or what.

I don’t think I’ve ever gone 10 days w/o blogging

I’m obviously in a mood.  We made the decision to go to a wedding that I’m not sure I want to be at (sorry Roxanne, I love you!), instead of going to my Grampa’s 81st birthday celebration, an annual trip to see how crappy he’s doing…. well, not really.  We see him quite often actually, and I was told by my gramma that I’m the only one that visits on a regular basis.  That’s really quite sad, but I guess normal nowadays.

This wedding we’re going to has got me just kinda cranky.  I know it’ll be fun, kind of like a mini-reunion for dh’s family, but a wedding is just not something I truly enjoy.  I know, I’m very, very weird that way.  I think that’s another reason why my own wedding was so informal, and exactly the way I wanted it.  Evening wedding to deter drunkeness between wedding & dance, beautiful church, full mass, my cousin laughing during my wedding when they pronounced my name (fun new last name to tease me about), immediate party in a quonset with beef on a bun and a big party to boot, and a taxi/bus rented for the entire night so no one drove.  It was just so perfect.  We even put on the invitations (made ourselves btw, hate that frilly, expensive shit) for our guests to bring & wear jeans to the dance because it’s a casual party.  I’ve had people continue to compliment me and Ken at how much fun they had there.  There was only 1 speech allowed, and that was only because my dad insisted on presenting dh with his ‘Asshole #6′ t-shirt (long story, but the males in my family are numbered/ranked of ‘Asshole-ship’).  It was just so great.

This wedding will be the normal princess wedding; beautiful fance invitations, matching place settings compete with cheesy napkins with the couple’s names on it, speeches, beggin for money for the couple (in the form of ‘pay a buck to dance & get a shot’), too much drinking (although that was at my wedding too ) all with a lot of people I don’t know.  At least the hotel we’re in has a swimming/wave pool and waterslide.  That and I won’t have to cook for an entire weekend .

I guess I’m also regretting not going to my family function a little bit, if only because I never see my extended family except for this once a year thing or our triannual reunion.  I digress.

Tomorrow we’ll be leaving at noonish so wish me luck  .

Ooooo, I just noticed WordPress finally got into easy formatting for blogs.  WTG wordpress! 

I’ve discovered my own Judgemental ass

I wrote previously about being so damn judgemental as if the world should bow (how is it that one word can have two meaning spelled exactly the same) to the judger’s demands of how things should function, and I found my own ‘thing’ that makes me mental.  Driving.  I love to drive, and dammit if I don’t take pride in my driving, which isn’t really a good thing.  The other day after writing such a ‘blissful’ note about judgemental we are, I was driving and often thought nasty thoughts about other drivers: ‘look at that guy, the rules aren’t for him I guess’, ‘oh man, that lady didn’t even stop, it was a roll through’, ‘whoa bucko, I don’t have a hitch for you to be that close to me’.  You know, that kind of thinking, that ‘I drive so much better than you so I can judge you on your poor skills’ kind of bullshit.  I’m kind of happy I found it, I think it’ll help me get over myself. really.

Another happy event today occurred.  I phoned our Adoption worker today to get the gist of what’s happening with our home assessment as I hadn’t heard anything.  When we finally stopped playing phone tag she relayed to me what’s up.

#1. She received the Assessment and has gone over it and passed it onto her supervisor.

#2. As she passes it to her supervisor for her to go over, she will also forward us a copy of it to peruse and make note of any changes if need be, in case of mistake or misinformation/misinterpretation.

#3. Her supervisor, as well as we, will okay it, which will then give the okay for my AW to put in a call to the original assessing agency for what they call a ‘hard copy; one that has had all changes made to it that are necessary and is ready for all of us to sign.

#4. Once all t’s are crossed and i’s dotted, we will be officially ‘waiting’.

I know a person in my community that has been going through the same process and is at the same junction as we in the formalities and is just as antsy as I am to get it going and get settled.  Of course you can’t really rush these things.  I think what has stopped me from being completely impatient is to remind myself that it isn’t about what I want, but what is in the best interests of the children.

Frick, more waiting though, not my area of expertise to say the least.

Just one of those days

Nyah, not really a bad one, just very boring, dark, dreary and cold. It’s only 5ºC out there and pouring rain. I sent my girls to school thinking that it was just supposed to be light showers, and they were to come home for lunch. Just before lunch, it started to downpour so I picked up my umbrella and theirs and headed out into the sopping, depressing bleakness. I soaked my pants from my ankles to high heaven, and the wind was cold and bitter, I could feel actual biting on my calves as I walked back home.

As I was walking toward the school (we live 5 houses down) I spotted Punk walking/jogging toward me. She has on her light sweater and it’s flapping in the wind. It made me shake my head that my 6 y/o daughter can get out of the school wearing only that, yet they post in the bulletin numerous times to dress for the weather. Yeah, that’s a problem when I’m not at school to dress her to come home. A two minute walk back to the school to look for her missing sister drenched my shoes right through. I couldn’t walk through to go find her as I was so wet I was dripping, the janitors (or custodians if you like) of the school do far too much work for me to add more. As I was thinking of stripping off my shoes, and sauntering by, oblivious to me waiting for her is my eldest child, Bing. I say, “Bing!”, she looks at me, I do that gesture like, ‘uh-chickie-I’m-waiting’ and she says, “I volunteered to take the recycling down”. Oi, on the day you’re due to come home for lunch, you decide to volunteer for a task that puts you over 10 minutes late. It’s a good thing she’s dayum cute.

I’ve been thinking of something for quite some time about a topic that is probably foreign to most people. I was wondering why we as people are so judgemental of another. I read a lot of blogs, probably too many, and there are quite a few that bitch and complain about another person’s choices as if the blogger knows better, is better, and could do better if given the same choices (warning, verbal vomit ahead).

Who the fuck do you think you are, really? Do you know what the exact choices were? Do you have the entire story or are you so ignorant and in your little world that you decide that the extenuating circumstances of another person’s life don’t matter in the decision making process? I may be getting philosophical on this due to my current Anthropology course, or it could be that I’m just sick of reading how good people are compared to that other person, yet in the end, we’re all part of the same loser chain of human beings, welcome to the club.

I don’t want to discount me in all this. All you’d have to do is go back and read my blog a bit, you can discover how nasty I can really be. Considering this blog has been used to spew my very thoughts, it’s no doubt that a few are not going to be all roses. I truly do try my best not to judge another person, I really do. My dh is bad for it, automatically assuming things about the homeless, women having abortions, pregnant teens, atheists, other Catholics, and a great many other ‘groups’ that are different than him. He has very little empathy in him, and maybe that’s the key to all the understanding in the world.

Empathy is more than just feeling sorry for another person, it’s actually understanding, a direct experience of another person’s feelings or situation. Bing naturally has it, and I’m glad, although it does make her more susceptible to being hurt, it allows her to be such a wonderful person to be around, it makes me sappy to think about. Most children have to learn that, or develop it, but not Bing, she comes by it so naturally that at 2 and 3 we could genuinely see it in the actions she did (comforting another, younger, child with hugs at 2 isn’t the regular thing for a 2 y/o).

I’m glad I have one offspring that may naturally not judge another, I know I have it naturally; empathy that is. It’s often a hard thing to live with as a person can become hardened to others after a few times of being used or hurt. Although, that happens to a lot of people. I think it really sad when what we need is more empathetic people and those with the natural instinct to empathize become hard because those they empathize with don’t have the empathy to not hurt another in order to gain ’status’ or ’self-importance’.

In all this most people would wonder why I could think like this, especially if they really know me and my history. I’ve been on the wrong end of the stick a lot in my life, getting the blunt end if you know what I mean, yet I still have empathy, even for wife beaters, prostitutes, and others of what society would deem a ‘burden’ or ’sick’ (although I do still have trouble empathizing with rapists, pedophiles, and murderers, but we all gotta have a limit, right?). I know what it’s like to grow up with the ugliest part of life rearing it’s head at you, and I can understand how for some people, it makes them turn to the dark side of life for a little bit of the understanding the never received on the ‘light’ side. Don’t get me wrong, my childhood was not a horror story, my parents were wonderful, caring and very loving, but very oblivious to what happened to me. If they ever knew the extent of it, it’d shock them to say the least.

I think the only thing that can turn off my empathy pretty quick is when the choices made are continually blamed upon the childhood horrors. There are thousands of us who have been through worse and came out the other side with a stronger faith, and a fairly normal existence. Yet there are millions who succumb to the pain and act out on it to relieve the torture.

I’m starting to realize more and more that the words flying out of my mouth may have a ripple effect that goes beyond what I could imagine. Imagine me just spouting off about say, what I think of so-and-so, and I spout this off in a public place such as the internet. Is so-and-so going to read that and change her ways? Hell no stupid, just the rest of so-and-so’s friends, family and business people have a chance to recognize the writer’s victim, and what does that do for the good of another person? Absolutely dick.

I can’t say we should all consider putting a serious mouth filter on to block unfriendly words from being said, in fact I have no true answer. I have quite a few times myself spewed word vomit, out loud, that was of no use to someone else except to hurt them. I don’t have an answer, I guess I just have to use my abilities to make my own little space a little better in the hopes that others will do the same.