Am I too hard on my dh?

A close friend of mine emailed me today about my blog. She’s a blog virgin and is deciding whether to write or not. She asked me a very pointed question that had me wondering about my incessant babble on here. She wondered, “if [dh] reads it” and it had me wondering why she asked it.

It made me wonder if I’ve painted the guy in an awful light. Yes, I bitch and moan and play the maid martyr crap a lot, but he’s a great guy. This is my area to blabber, chat with myself, vent, cry, bitch and moan, so quite often what someone will read is the daily babble along with funny or not so funny events of my day. Sometimes it’ll include the not so nice things I’m thinking about my dh at the moment, so that’s what I type. It probably makes him look like an insensitive jerk. If you know me, I would not have married him if he were that way. He just has his moments like we all do, and it gets to me.

He’s a great guy, and very cute, so he’s a keeper.

Rest in Peace Uncle Dan

A sweet old guy who lived a long time died 2 days ago.  He was my great uncle actually, and the only great uncle out of the 15 I have that was invited to my wedding (and none from dh’s side).  I love that man, yet I haven’t shed a tear yet, why?

He lived a long way from me, about 10 hour drive, so I didn’t see them often.  The last few years his health was going down hill.  He was born in 1924 for crying out loud, and his ticker wasn’t right.  I know 83 is still pretty young, but still, he wasn’t doing well and was in a nursing home.  His wife was the queen of tricksters at our family reunions, with a serious love of dancing.

Unfortunately, his funeral is on Wednesday and its 583 miles from me.  Not an option for me to go.  Ah, my heart is there with the family.

God Bless you Danny boy, RIP.

Nervous? Me? Nah

No really, I’m not. Today is my first meeting with the agency worker who is completing our Home Study for adoption. We got the call last Wednesday when dh was home sick. Of course he answers the phone and doesn’t make any appointments because he ‘doesn’t know my schedule’. Men. Hey guy, you’ve only lived with me for over 10 years and you haven’t figured out that I mark everything I will be doing right down to grocery shopping on the family calendar? Oh no, because it’s not on his hockey/bills calendar, he doesn’t even think about it. Men.

Anyway, I scheduled for today at 12:30pm, and at the same time scheduled dh for Tuesday. How is it that I am perfectly capable of scheduling for him, but he doesn’t do it for me? Hmmm. … . men … *snicker*.

So she is set to arrive in about an hour and it got me to thinking. Why is it that I’m not nervous? This is the woman that will decide whether or not I am fit to be a mother to some kids in need of adoption and I feel no fears. I often wonder if it’s my blasé nature, or if it’s my faith, or is it that I truly realize it’s not in my hands and the locus of control is external…. shit, my schooling did stick with me!

I’ve just never been the kind of person to blame the external world for my choices, nor blame the world for choices I have made. I’ve had a rough background, I mean I made my psychotherapist cringe at the extent of abuses, yet it never seems to creep into my forethought to explain my behaviours. I just don’t subscribe to the notion that my past dictates my entire future. Yes, it has affected me greatly, in fact it has formed who I am today, but it does not make my choices for me.

I just am not the kind of person to get nervous over situations that most would be in a tizzy over. I am a student and have taken a multitude of exams over the course of my long degree. I have only ever felt nerves in one exam and it was because I truly wondered if I was going to pass it. It was a music exam that came as a surprise as it wasn’t was I had expected. Instead of memorizing 20 pieces of music, I was supposed to have memorized 180 that I would need for the exam. I did pass it, I think with a 65%, but that was the only incident of actual ‘nerves’.

I’ve read books, I’ve searched the internet, read forums, so I’m quite sure what the reason behind the homestudy is, but I’m not sure what it is going to entail. She mentioned that it will be a deeper questionairre than the one I’ve previously done during the application process. It’s more or less going over what I answered a little deeper to help her get an understanding of me as a person and as a parent. Maybe I should write a book, on the Canadian perspective of the adoption process from my point of view. There’s a thought. I do enjoy babbling. Hmmmm….an idea.

Flashbacks from 1990-1993

Recently I joined a ’space’ that is a place to catch up with your friends, meet new ones, etc. It’s been good, but I’ve mostly added people I currently know, hang around with, etc, and denied random users looking to add to their already numerous ‘Friends’ list.

After procrastinating horribly with my studies, I spotted on the search engine page that you could search for people you went to high school with. I thought ‘what the hell’, it won’t hurt anything to search. I found a few people on there that I knew and it really felt weird! I mean, yeah, sure, I’ve found my ex-sil before and read the blogs of famous people on there, but never have I actually attempted to contact or add a person before, until now.

Yup, I did it, I actually contacted 2 people I went to school with 14 years ago (shit, I’m old). They are both guys, and both guys I was friends with, never lovers, which was a mutual decision I think.

Guy #1. He was a crazy driver with a blue boat for a car, who was too good in school to try and sport the ‘bad boy’ image by hanging out with us ‘Skids’ at the front of the school grounds smoking. He never smoked, but he hung out with the rest of us. He was in football, I think he secretly loved physics, and was an all around nice guy.

Guy #2. He was a younger, crazy, skinny guy who I adored. His dad was a biker (never met his mom), with leather and long hair and all. He was one of the nicest guys you could ever meet. He had long hair, blond, wore glasses and always smiled, except when Jon was being a dork again. We spent a lot of time at the local BK having coffee when we were supposed to be in class. Coffee 101 is what we all called it.

It’s weird to reminisce about these kinds of things that went on in my past and realize I haven’t seen these people in a very long time. Guy #1 is probably a professional something now. Guy #2 is probably doing exactly what he loves to do. And me? Well, I’m definitely different from what I was back then, but I imagine they are too. I wonder if there’s a new ‘Add’ on my page?

Molasses, that’s what it’s equal to

The wait is enormous. We received our first phone call from the agency who took our Home Study contract. It only took 3 weeks. I will say this, I know the system is mal-funded (I do not believe for one second it is under funded, just mal-funded as the monies could definitely be better spent, but that’s another blog), but for a request for contract to take 3 weeks? Oi.

The good news is I have my first meeting with her on Monday. We would’ve had her in immediately, like today, but dh is sick, maybe with Strep, so we don’t want to infect anyone. Monday is for me, 2 hours of chatting, and dh is Tuesday evening. Then we’ll plan the 3rd and final one then so we have a better idea of the time line.

I’ve always wondered why these things take so long. There are hundreds of children waiting to be placed and the reason they aren’t is the amount of time, paperwork, and legal crapola these poor little buggers have to endure in order to have a family again. Granted all the Ps&Qs should be in a row, but the amount the SW must feel extended with the pile of paperwork is tremendous. From what I understand, the SW coming out to us will have 6 weeks to complete the paperwork. 6 weeks! Doesn’t that seem like an enormous amount of time to fill out forms? They must be unreal!

On another note, I visited my grandparents today. Coming away sad seems to be the norm lately. Grampa isn’t doing well. He’s so incredibly weak he has trouble walking across the room. I think his Emphysema is further along than is first believed because why would he be sleeping about 15 hours in a day as well as sitting the rest, but yet be so weak he can’t shower himself. In fact, when the wonderful nurse comes in to shower him twice a week, he’s exhausted after! He has oxygen available and has it at least twice a day. I just wonder when the time will come that he has to go into a home. He seems to be mostly all there, but has no memory of what he used to do. He has no idea that he used to be a writer and has passed that on to me. He can’t remember a lot of things, and even though he doesn’t have Alzheimer’s, his dementia is pretty heavy.

1,000 viewings, you love me, you really love me!

*snicker*, just a quick post as I’m not well today. I just popped on and noticed I’ve got 1,000 viewings since I put my ticker up (about 3 months after I started blogging). It’s kind of strange really to know that so many people are reading my drivel. I consider it drivel, but someone considers it entertaining anyway.

Still waiting for our home assessment to be scheduled. I give it until Thursday and then I’m phoning our adoption worker to find out what’s going on. I realize it’s very time consuming to do one of these as the paperwork is intense, but sheesh, give me a call, let me know you’re busier than normal and can’t get to my file immediately. I hate waiting can you tell?

Dryer noise is still happening too. Dh is talking to the company as we speak and they are sending out a guy right away to ‘fix’ it. Not exactly what I wanted considering I paid for a new item and received it somewhat damaged (meaning internally we ‘think’ something is off). If it isn’t ‘fixable’ by this company, then I am demanding a refund. I will not accept something ’slightly damaged’ that is this incredibly noisy. The dryer will wear out abnormally if something is off balance in there and what does that do for my warranty? I have no idea.

My head hurts, thanx for reading my blog!

I’m joining a new club, membership one?

The club of ‘I feel sorry for Britney Spears’.  Go on, say it, why feel sorry for the rich kid?  I dunno, but she reminds me so much of a young Madonna it’s not even funny.  The only difference is when Madonna was being slutty, partying, etc, she didn’t have the paparazzi following her every move.  It wasn’t like that in the 80s, stars were not fawned over so badly that their lives, their children’s lives, their very being was tortuously hounded after for everything they did.  Do I think she is mother of the year?  No, but neither am I.  Is there some times Social Services could probably eke their way in my door?  Hmmm …. maybe, but would they do anything?  No.

I’m the sole member of this club because most of the American world just thinks of her as another sleazy, pampered, princess with too much money.  I see her as a normal person because I’m one of the few to admit I’m probably just as bad.  Have I ever worn no undies out partying?  Yup.  Was I sleazy in a bar?  Absolutely.  Did I shave my head?  Well no, but I’ve cut it off damn short in defiance.  Did I hang out with other questionably sleazy people?  Oh yeah.  Did I have 15 people photographing me every second of my day, including up my skirt?  Nope, so no one knew about it.  Was I influential to younger people?  Yes I was.

Why did I post this?  It was just something on my mind as of late.  And seeing how the majority of the free world loathes her (or dislikes her quite a bit), I wanted to put out that I do not agree with the judgements put upon her.  Besides which, the media only prints a small portion of a bigger story, but they don’t want to print anything like realism, it doesn’t sell as well, but have a picture of her cooch, millions of downloads later a story is sold.

Oh, and my dryer may be going back due to the excessive noise.

Noise, something that bugs me

I have super sensitive ears, eyes as well, but that’s not part of this blog. Meaning when I have hearing tests I always amaze the technician about how high a frequency my ears can detect. No, I’m not a freakin dog, I just have super sensitive ears.

My new washer is music to my ears. It is so unbelievably quiet that I can talk on the phone with no problems right beside it. I love it. On the other hand, my new dryer is noisy. I mean, ‘can’t be in the same room’, ’shut the damn door’ kinda noisy. I’m considering phoning the sales guy because this just doesn’t seem right. Something so environmentally sound can’t seriously contribute to noise pollution can it?

I suppose I’m just a little picky and really, we didn’t spend all that much on it, but I really was looking forward to something that dries my clothes beautifully and makes very little noise. Or, at least less noise than my noisy old dryer. Plus, I haven’t got the system fine tuned so all my clothes came out seriously wrinkly. Something I’ve been good at with the old dryer, having no wrinkles, just isn’t happening here yet. I’m sure it’s just I gotta work out the kinks, but dammit, I don’t have the patience for that! Which is quite funny considering the washer takes 69 minutes to go through the ‘cool’ cycle, and 140 to go through the hot, and I’m impatient about the dryer? Oi.