They’re gone

I’m not sure how I really feel about it really, but the girls are gone. I am so happy for them, truly I am, they looked like such sweet girls, but I’m sad that they can’t be part of our family.

You know what, I can’t say for sure that they are currently ‘unadoptable’ but if they’ve been taken off the website, it’s a sure sign that things are going well enough for them that they don’t need to be listed anymore. I’m a mixture of emotions.

Although, that hasn’t changed since reading the catechism about our dilemma. I finally confessed to dh that I secretly hope it’s required of us to attempt to reverse it. Not because I enjoy watching the torture of my poor dh, but because I want a baby. But at the same time, I wouldn’t be crushed without one, not at all.

I’ve had some people say that they “think” we don’t need to have the reversal done, especially if it puts us into a poor financial situation, or puts him at risk. Well, from what I’ve been reading, he’s more at risk to continue being sterile in this way than to risk undergoing the knife again, I imagine that means it’s more psychological than anything. As for financial, we have a few coin stashed away and it wouldn’t hurt us, we wouldn’t like to spend the 4 grand, but we would. This “think” thing bothers me in that people say they “think” we don’t need to, but they don’t “know” for sure.

Actually, I sometimes wonder if he too wants a baby. Or why would this ‘2379‘ keep coming up in the last few days (ok 2!), if he believed it to be leaning toward no reversal, he would’ve said so, and be adamant about it. I just hope we don’t end up doing it for the wrong reasons, not that I know what they are in the first place, but I digress.

Time to rehash an old problem thought to be solved

Dh and I are devout Catholic and have in our possession a Catechism book. Call us strange but we enjoy sometimes going through the index to see what is in there (did you know there’s a section on ‘tax evasion’?). Dh spotted a section on ‘Adoption’ and we thought what a neat idea to see what the church teaches. Here’s section 2379 of the Catechism:

“The Gospel shows that physical sterility is not an absolute evil. Spouses who still suffer from infertility after exhausting legitimate medical procedures should unite themselves with the Lord’s Cross, the source of all spiritual fecundity. They can give expression to their generosity by adopting abandoned children or performing demanding services for others.” (emphasis mine).

Well, on one hand it says, ’sterility is not an absolute evil’, and I’m sure we are to assume natural sterility, not one ‘assisted’ by medical intervention. So what does ‘after exhausting legitimate medical procedures’ mean to us? Does it mean that because we performed the original sin (albeit confessed and forgiven) of permanent contraception/sterilization that we are to ‘exhaust medical procedures’ to reverse it?

I must say I would do it if it were a part of the church’s teachings, but man the catechism is often clear as mud isn’t it? Much like a small section out of the bible taken out of context can be misleading, or unclear.

I truly have my heart set on adoption, I really feel that is our best course of action to expand our family as it also serves a triple purpose of adding to our family, allowing me and my selfishness to avoid infancy and labour , as well as helping out kids that need it so bad. Dangit, why is God’s plan for us so hard to discern? Lord, can I please just have a burning bush? I don’t need a choir of angels, just one.

So, we’re back to square one on that one. Dh wonders though if we were ‘required’/'asked’ to reverse his vasectomy, are we still ‘allowed’ to adopt or should we leave it to people who can’t have kids? I truly feel we should still adopt, but again, clarity of my path right now would be nice (hint-hint, nudge-nudge, wink-wink).

On a funny note, my kids are currently watching (brace yourselves for an actual brand name) School House Rock. Oh my goodness it’s been forever since I’ve seen these. Classics.

Time marches on

But not damn well fast enough I tell ya. I can’t imagine what it feels like to be a person waiting for an infant who has to wait for a long time. Right now we’re waiting on our criminal record checks and my medical. I’m not the most patient person in the world, but this is torture. Not just because I have to wait but because there is so much unknown about the entire process.

Dh went to visit his mom and she had heard a rumour that if you adopt kids they each have to have their own room. If that were the case we wouldn’t be allowed to adopt 2 (I originally typed ‘23′), we’d be limited to one. I know that I’ve heard that rumour about foster kids, but never about adoptive. It seems ridiculous to have that kind of requirement, especially considering my two are so excited at the mere thought of a bunk bed. I don’t imagine they’ve thought through the fact that they’d have to share the room as well, they’re kids, they don’t think like that.

It’s funny how sappy we both have gotten lately since we’ve applied. I know I’ve been a bit blubbery since even the thought, but dh has even been a little ‘off’ emotionally, tearing up at seeing cute kids on tv. Hell, even “Boo” off of Monsters Inc. had me smiling, not blubbery, but smiling. What potential.

I’ve also been reading adoption forums to kind of see if I’m completely insane or normal. It seems I’m run of the mill. I’ve been reading that it is fairly normal to have fantasies about what will happen, meaning an ideal situation in my head about what wil happen and how soon. I thought I wasn’t normal thinking this way, but it seems to be par for the course.

It seems to feel like this is taking forever even though we’ve only just applied 2 weeks ago. Can someone teach me patience?

Someone touched a nerve let me tell ya

If you’ve read my blog before you know I’m a SAHM to some great kids (more to come), a housewife, and a student. On one of my student forums a guy started mouthing off about the university’s satisfaction rate being bogus because they probably got their statistics from “bored housewives” looking to make themselves “feel better” instead of “professionals” looking to further their career. Say it with me, ‘what the f$ck?’. In his mind professional opinions count for more than the average mom?

Yeah, that was my immediate response. Sometimes I think we’ve come so far, us SAHMs, and then someone comes up with a response like that. Needless to say I cut his pee pee down to size!LOL! Or tried to anyway, hard to cut it when there ain’t much there to begin with . Kidding of course. I did respond with full intent to be a little bit the bigger person about it, but definitely toed the line on that one. I would guess that it’s a ‘he’ and he’s in his early 20s, meaning barely out of high school, tried regular college/university and sucked at it, worked for a woman before, has a smallish penis and no girlfriend, oh and is in support of unionism. Of course this is a guess, and it’s mainly a way to make myself feel better for his belittling remarks, but it’s my blog and I’ll do what I want.

This is a true sore spot for me. It just saddens me that SAHMs and housewives are discriminated against because we don’t have value within society, yet we raise the little bastards like the guy I spoke of before to grow up and say women who stay at home have no value. I can’t speak for men who stay at home so I chose to say just women.

It’s really sick is what it is. I wonder if we can change the Human Rights Legislation to include “occupation” as legal protection against this type of discrimination. Where would most of the world be today with SAHMs and housewives? I’m off to go clean something or bake a cake, because you know us SAHMs have all the time in the world, then I’ll eat some bon bons and watch soaps .

Dire words a mere day after her 6th birthday celebration

“I want to kill myself”. Those are the words muttered by my not-yet 6 y/o dd during a game of ~I now own everything on the board~ with the family. We do family game night (or afternoon as it was today) every Sunday and today was no exception. There’s only so many evenings we can play ~I apologize for my rudeness~, so after a vote of all members, it was concluded that ~I now own everything on the board~ was the winner (I told you I endorse nothing if I remember).

Dd was miffed nonetheless because her fun game she loves so much and would play till we all of a sudden “lost” the thing in the garbage, and I can’t live with the guilt. The game was going okay but she was obviously agitated, being very blase about it being her turn, throwing the dice, spinning the chair so her fake money goes flying everywhere. All-in-all it was becoming annoying, even to dh, who is an angel when it comes to patience. I admit I lost it a bit and told her she could play the game nice or go sit somewhere else, and even put her in a chair that doesn’t spin. At this point is when she drew a card that said she had to pay everyone $50, and the words came out of her mouth.

You could hear a pin drop it was so awful. My heart went into my throat and instant tears flooded my eyes. Where does a six year old girl get such a grim outlook on life? From her mom. I have never, ever uttered those words before out loud, never, but it’s gotta be a genetic makeup that makes a kid feel so utterly hopeless and different from her family that she feels such dismay over what would seem to an adult as trivial matters.

It was soon after that we ended that game and played ~I apologize for my rudeness~ for a bit, and she won (luck of the dice most would tell you, but God was shining upon this little girl tonight). After the game I took her for a walk by myself and I let her know how important those words were. I’m not sure she understood even the meaning of the phrase entirely, and I told her it was so devastating to hear. If we hear it more often from now on I’m sure it can be thought of as a ploy, but just to hear those words out of your child’s mouth is so shocking and beyond comprehension. I had to explain to her what it would mean if it really happened and how awful this world would be without her presence. How do you convey such importance to a mind that is now beyond the words she spoke and is now focused upon the mangy mutt barking at us behind the fence?

I’m a bit over the shock of it, but am not sure where to go from here. I have no idea if it’s wise to not take it serious, or just to do the ‘wait-and-see’ approach, does that feel like playing Russian roullette to anyone else?

Tomorrow’s her true birthday and I’m going to make it special, let me tell you. She’s getting cupcakes to her classroom (something she begged me for), and a spaghetti dinner just for her. I’d do this anyway, but I think I also have to let her know how special she is in our family.

Her 6th birthday

K’s 6th birthday party is today. yippee ki-yay. Can you tell I’m less than thrilled? I’ve never been a birthday party enthusiast, in fact I down right dread it and look forward to it being over. I can’t even pin point the reason why, the kids she invited are really great kids, they always have a good time and fun is had by all. They’re almost always well behaved, or reasonably well behaved anyway, but I just don’t like it. The whole thing makes me wanna hand over the reigns to dh and have him handle it all.

Have I ever mentioned my dh rocks?LOL! This morning I baked the cake and got it all ready to be iced and decorated. While I was doing that he rallied the kids together and they all cleaned the house. I don’t just mean doing the run and stash either, but really cleaning with vacuuming. You’ll laugh at this though, while he was cleaning one of the toilets I had to go see, I’ve never seen him clean a bathroom before, and he rarely does it, but it got done today!YIPPEE!

Party should be starting in half an hour, I better go have a stiff drink … kidding .

Our first wad of paperwork arrived

I’m sure I skipped from the mailbox all the way home. Ok, not really considering I had just done a 3.5 mile walk, but I know I was skipping in my heart! The envelope was thick, taped over and chock full of paperwork for dh and I to fill out. We both have to have our criminal record checks as well as medicals and ‘Social Intervention’ checks, meaning checking to see if we’ve ever has SS called on us. Then we have family questionnaires that have to be filled out, one by each, and then a part 2 family one filled out by both. Then a budget check, to see if we’re good on our budget, and I also have to get a marriage certificate issued. It’s not an automatic thing here to have one issued when you get married so I have to order one ASAP so I can get a copy to her. Once I have all this paperwork done, we can hand it in to our SW and she’ll schedule the homestudy. Oh, and we have the weekends for the parent training too, and all seem to look fine, we just have to see if my parents will watch our girls for it.

Adoption day is slowly coming!!

I am now professionally fingerprinted

One of the requirements for the adoption is a criminal record check with fingerprinting. So being me, and since it’s the new year and I’m trying to up my exercise, I decided to walk across to the RCMP station to get these much needed documents. Does anyone see where this is going yet? No? Let me fill you in.

All my life I’ve been a sweater. No, not one of those woolen knitted items worn over a turtle neck, but a woman that sweats, not ‘perspires’. I’m also a large girl, about 60 lbs overweight, so add the excessive weight on top of an already sweat-prone body and you’ve got a pool under my boobs happening as soon as the said body stops moving. Why I never thought of this before I went today is beyond me. Luckily, I live in Alberta where the weather at the moment is nice and cool, not cold like it normally is, but cool, around 0°C.

Even with jacket open, keeping my pace at medium level, I still arrived with red face and swollen hands. Then I had to have some poor chap try and fingerprint me all the while secretly hoping he doesn’t think I was just physically running from the law. All in all it was a good experience and I have my fingerprints in hand. The criminal record check takes 2 weeks (used to only take 1 darnit!), so on the 30th of January, we get to find out if I’m a criminal. Wait, I already know I’m not.

I wonder if there are people out there that really start the adoption process with a criminal record. I’m not talking a misdemeanor of when you were 18 and still in high school, but a fairly serious crime. I just wouldn’t think that someone would want to go through the entire process to find out that their crime doesn’t allow them the option of adoption.

It’s been an hour since I got home and I’m just starting to not sweat anymore. I even had a shower. I’m at that ‘not hot but starting to catch a chill’ stage that’s so annoying. I think I’ll try and plan in walks like that all week though, it’s been so nice out it seems a shame to not be outside during the day. Of course I’ll have to plan it properly. I don’t like to just walk, I want to have somewhere to go, so I planned it yesterday to head to the library. But I don’t want to attempt any type of grocery or something like I did this morning … 18.5 lbs of beef fat for our ground deer meat. Uh, no, I would not want to carry that 4 miles across town and up the side of a coulee. For now, I’ll just stick to small treks with small purposes.