Update to his dh’ness from this morning

He apologized and said he didn’t even know I had gotten up in the middle of the night. We’ve talked a bit and had some resolution and he even got me crying because he said he truly appreciates all I do around here. Yeah, that’s me, but my mouth was hanging open.

Punk has impetigo and Bing has an ear infection, both drugged and both drugged on different meds at different times of day, oh joy. And, to top it off, Punk gets to have eye drops…. that was not hell at all, no, putting eye drops in a tired, sick, crying 5 y/o is fun! yippeee. God help me if I don’t get sleep tonight though.

I’ve got a cold, he’s got a cold, she’s got a cold

We’ve all got colds! YAY! NOT! Punk has had hers the longest and because she’s 5 she’s just not into that wash-your-hands-all-the-time-so-you-don’t-get-anyone-else-sick kinda thing. Needless to say, we all now have it. Bing is now, as I type, sitting on the couch, coughing, with a fever watching Star Wars. I have company coming tonight that I can’t reschedule (they come after the kids are in bed) so I cleaned the house today with a fever myself of 102°F. Good times.

Dh and I had the talk last night. The one regarding my last entry about a reversal. I told him everything that I felt, from 6 months ago on, about this situation. I’m still at a loss, but at least he’s right there with me, right? . I’d accept anything that was thrown my way, I truly would, yet to be pregnant again turns my stomach because of all the things I won’t be able to do anymore. I wrote on a bb about leaving my 7y/o for 5 minutes whilst I pick up my 5 y/o from the school ½ block away; couldn’t do that with an infant, I’d have to bundle it up in this lovely -39° windchill weather (F or C is the same at that freakishly cold temperature). I couldn’t just veg out when I’m sick like I can now. I’d still accept it, but hey, I can whine about it a little .

Dh actually would prefer to adopt from a foreign country (or locally, he’s not sure). I do know of a few operations that deal with adopting internationally, as the rules are completely different. Again, whatever He wants to throw at us, we’re cool with that. I bet our kids would love it too, hell I should ask them!LOL! Wish us luck as we try and figure out what to do next.

No title available to describe it

This is probably going to be the weirdest, most insane blog I’ve ever written.

My dh and I are devout Catholics (and we’ve had our serious talk btw, for those who understand ) and we try and follow the Church’s teachings carefully now. 5½ years ago dh got a vasectomy. At that time, we weren’t as devout, you could easily consider us both ‘cafeteria Catholics’, ones who pick what they want to agree with . That isn’t so now, in fact if we were to be faced with the same issues now (contraception) we wouldn’t have had him fixed.

On to my weirdness. This past weekend we met with a very close friend, also a devout Catholic, who years ago had her tubes tied. Since coming back fully to the church, through the advice of her priest, she had a reversal done. She has 4 kids, 3 of them 16, and an 11 y/o, so contraception is a serious issue now. They teach NFP (natural family planning) and have been doing so, and practicing so, for about a year. She handed us a cd, not knowing that dh is fixed, about the church’s teachings on contraception and why. It was a very good cd, well spoken, reliable, and right, and opened up a big can of worms for us (she is so funny, she kept saying, ‘oh, i’m sorry, no I’m not, oh, I’m sorry, no I’m not’ LOL!).

Here’s our dilemma. Dh has been fixed, and we are now going to try and find out for sure if he should get a reveral or if it’s required. You see, we’re currently studying for him to be an ordained deacon in the church, so we have to find out for sure what is required for attonement of this sin. Is he being a hypocrite to preach against contraception yet be fixed? Our hearts are in the right place, we both feel that it was not a proper choice, but aren’t sure where to go from here.

What’s really funny is we both feel that we were supposed to have more children, is this a sign that we’re supposed to now try again?! Oi.

p.s. Although this blog is not set to private, I’d prefer persons to refrain themselves from comments that slam my beliefs. Mainly because if a comment starts to get nasty, this weird thing happens in my brain where the rest of the words read like Charlie Brown’s teacher ‘woaa, woaah woaa woaah woaa, woaahhh.’ , *smootch*.

I have survived the day

Granted there is a few hours left until I’m relieved of my motherly duties, but I’m almost there …. almost.  I’ve survived the day by sleeping in till 9:00 am, making them shower first, then jumping in myself afterward.  Then lazily browsing the internet whilst sipping my cream laden java and PB on toast, I ignored them, though they rarely fought (I didn’t hear one blood curdling scream).  Then, my angelic mother phones at 11:00am to find out if we have time today to have lunch.  I call her angelic not only because she bought lunch, but because she had 19 years of dealing with the likes of me and is used to children much like my youngest, who could readily be mistaken for me at times.   After arriving at home, I packed the car for our weekend away and am now in front of the pc typing here with only an hour to spare before dh comes home and we head off for our weekend.

So, hooray for me for not having to duct tape them once …. yet.

My mind is seeping out as I type

I have had it with my kids. They fight non-stop, and now, they’ve resorted to fist fighting. Not just little smacked, but full fledged punches and kicks, and trying to slam each other in anger. I realize I lose my temper quite often but did I really teach them to fist fight?

Here’s where I foresee my mind going tomorrow. I have them home. ….. the entire day to myself. If I don’t duct tape them apart in a closet somewhere, it’ll be a miracle. I can’t even beg dh to stay home, or take them or something because he’s got ‘client’ hockey tomorrow. Meaning, I’m stuck with two little girls who are slowly going to suck the brains right outta my head.

Oh, and did I mention I’m on a cook’s strike? Yeah, I’ve heard enough of the ‘ews’, and the ‘this is yucky’ before tasting, and ‘what is that?’, or not having the third ‘child’ home for supper because he’s hunting …. again. So last night, I lost it, of course, and told them both they are ungrateful brats and I’m done cooking for them. Punk burst into tears thinking she’ll never eat again (she’s 5) and Bing said nothing as she knows it’s pretty much an empty threat.

I’ve made my list, I’ve checked it twice

But it’s not to find out who’s naughty or nice. I’ve made my ‘list’ of things I need to talk with dh about. The humiliation below is one of them. I’m of the frame of mind that it has to be sooner rather than later, as later can breed resentment, hostility toward the other person.

I approached dh earlier tonight about the need to talk. He said, and I quote, “I was waiting to see when you were going to want to talk to me”, and then he grinned. I’m at a loss as to how to read that, after all he is a guy and doesn’t say aloud what he is thinking or feeling. So I said, later, we’ll need to talk, and he says, “well I hope you can talk while I’m butchering the deer”. Now, if you didn’t know, the skill of listening to someone you’re supposed to love isn’t just sitting there like a lump on a log, or even doing something else, as that shows that you aren’t really listening and don’t give a rats ass what the person thinks.

Guess where he is now. Yup, he’s in the garage butchering a deer that doesn’t have to be done tonight. Granted, we are going away for the weekend, but the man takes 2 minutes to pack, and he has all day tomorrow to butcher a deer. It’s a small friggin doe, it takes 2-3 hours tops. But, for some reason, probably avoidance, it had to be tonight. Is the moment to talk lost? Absolutely, but not gone forever. I just feel now that he has no interest whatsoever about what I need to get off my chest. What a guy.

Overwhelmed is my understatement of the year

I am so overwhelmed it’s starting to affect me physically. I can’t think, I sleep either too much or too little and I can’t get any energy.

I’m a student with 3 small essays, 2 large essays (2000+ wds) and a final exam due by December 31st and I’m sure I can’t make it, but I have to know before November 30th in order to pay for an extension. I have a home to care for with very little spousal help. In fact, he can often make it worse, especially during hunting season. My house is a mess, and although my kids are capable of helping, getting my youngest to assist is like pulling teeth. Taking care of a house isn’t just cleaning it, it’s winter, shovelling needs to be done, de-icing, then there’s the kids’ clothes they keep growing out of that I have to keep sorting and giving away. Oh yeah, and feeding them occasionally. I have to do it because if my husband does it there isn’t a vegetable in sight. Then there’s kids’ school stuff to take care of; which kid has library on which day, when is the reading to be done, the math, the note home for some field trip, or another function I have to attend. Oh, and did I mention I’ve lost 2 friends in the last few months so I’m going to burst because I haven’t been able to actually talk to anyone about this stuff? Oh and I’ve left 2 messages so far, soon to be 3, to my therapist in the last week who’s not returning my calls. Makes a client feel so welcomed.

This past weekend dh & I helped install flooring at my gramma’s house so needless to say we haven’t had much time to actually talk with that and his hockey tournament, normal playing and hunting (which is where he is as I type this). There’s only so much I can type out on a board or blog that’ll help. After that, I need more IRL interaction or I’m going to burst. I keep thinking that very soon I’m going to explode.

Why can’t I control my eating?

Why is it that I have to force myself not to eat junk? Does everyone get like this? It’s so wild that I know what not to eat, I know how to be healthy, I know I should exercise regularly, not only for myself, but to teach my girls, yet do I get my ass off the couch for anything other than ice cream? Yes, chips.

My dh is no support whatsoever. He’s, of course, a guy, so he has less pressure, no addiction problems, and no idea what I go through on a daily basis. Then again, we haven’t talked much since I became a widow, a hunting widow that is (no, I haven’t killed him …. yet ).

I do have friends with the same struggle, but no one interested in being pals to each other to keep each other on track. I barely have enough time myself, I can’t be worried about another person, and nor can they afford the time to be concerned of me. Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, even Christian weight loss programs cost a fortune, a fortune I cannot pay. Why isn’t there free support groups in this country to help out people like me?